The Emerald Thief - Merlin BBC [1]

Chapter 30: If Tomorrow Comes

"Gaius?" I acknowledge his call. "Tell me what to do. I'll do it," I plea, wanting to help in any way I can. I've never been so concerned for people before. There's a continuous painful cramp in my stomach, wanting nothing more than to save them. Even if it were to mean I give myself up.

I can't seem to stand being in this cell anymore, needing to do something. I don't want to feel this helpless like I did once before. I don't want to fall back into that pit that I had once been in, one that had caused me to change. I don't want to change this time. I'm happy with who I am now.

"There...is nothing...you can do", Gaius whispers, voice distant.

"I could..." I feel my mind wanders to healing spells I had been taught. I curse myself for even thinking it, but I'm desperate enough to do whatever it takes to keep Gaius safe. Alive. He is my mentor and close friend. He has grown to be like a father to me, and I couldn't bear to lose him.

The tears sting my eyes once more. I can't bear to lose Elyan, such a kind and compassionate man who has been there for me. He has lost so much and deserves more than anyone can give him.

I can't bear to lose Gwaine, my best friend. I haven't had a friend in a long time, not like Gwaine is to me. He's helped me learn to adapt to the ways of Camelot. He's been there as a shoulder to cry on, to rant about my day and to whine about so many things I dislike. Gwaine is using every bit of strength he has to keep his friends alive...

The tears silently fall, blurring my thoughts.

"I could use magic", I mouth, my voice so low it's barely a wisp of air.

"No," Gaius scolds, a little more life in his response. "I don't want you...to give up your beliefs...what you've...f-fought for, for me."

"But if I don't, you'll die...."

"But if you do...you'll have lost...yourself", Gaius whispers.

His words touch something in me, something logical and understanding. Gaius is right, I would never use my magic, and I wouldn't give up that. Even when I was destined for death, I wouldn't resort to magic. Although I would do anything for him, or Elyan, or Gwaine...Gaius is right. I can't lose myself. I need to be here to be present for everyone to get out of here alive and to safety the right way. Not the easy way.

That is what Morgana wants, and I can't give her that satisfaction.

I manage to pull myself together enough to know that Gaius needs rest. I leave him alone, returning to my corner on the other side of the cell. I know I'm not thinking clearly, but giving in to the crazy thoughts seems better than staying still.

The cell is silent, Elyan seeming the only strong one at the moment. He tries to tend to both Gaius and me as best he can despite the lack of resources. I stare at the stone wall, trying to stay out of my head so that I don't have another outburst. A few drops of water roll down the wall, giving me something to focus on in the time being while we wait for Gwaine to return...if he returns.

On cue, the door to the cell opens, Gwaine stumbling in as one of the guards throw him into the cell. He looks worse, new cuts and bruises appearing over his dirt and filth stained skin. I stand, quickly making my way over to Gwaine, helping him into a seated position against the wall.

"Enjoy your supper", Morgana chimes, tossing half a loaf of mouldy bread into the cell. "I fear it'll be your last", she adds, giving me a wink before exiting the cell, the door slamming behind her.

I glare at the place where Morgana had been standing only seconds ago, wishing I had the chance to wrap my hands around her neck. Just long enough to give the woman some fear, to know I could take away her will just as quickly she has ours.