The Journey

Self Image

You'd think being 20 about to be 21 my mentality on the way I see myself would be different... would be positive. You'd think that people like Lizzo, someone that inspires plus sized women, would inspire me.

I've always struggled with my weight, "big boned" they call me. To make me feel better and not hurt my feelings for basically being morbidly obese. I know I'm over weight and I want to change. No. I have to change. I have to.

You see, for some I guess self image isn't that important. Trust me I play it off like its not. I pretend I don't care what I look like, I pretend that wearing leggings, sweatpants and over sized shirts is the way I love to dress and that comfort is more important than feeling and looking cute.

Don't get me wrong! I love comfort but I'd love to dress up and not have my weight hinder my clothing choice. You know what I mean?

Also I know some will be like you can fix your hair or do your make up and I'd love to and I do, but it just doesn't feel the same. Like if my body doesn't look cute, my face can't look cute and it gets me in this funk. It's weird. This funk will make me feel ugly and worthless and I won't shower for days or do any night/daytime routines. Like normal people. Ya know?

I guess it's all mental.

Depression maybe?

But it can't be depression, I grew out of that faze. I'm happy with life, for the most part... I think.

I guess I'm kind of screwed up. I mean not severely, obviously because people have it far worse and are actually screwed up. Not that I'm not saying my mental problems aren't any less important than anyone else's. They are you know.

Your problems are important. No matter how much you compare them to someone else's.

I do that, a lot, or at least I use to; compare my problems to others to make myself feel better. It would in turn make me push my problems down but for some reason they would always come back and resurface. Slowly. But they always come back. Like a demon from hell. I'm covering myself with a white safety blanket and the shadow hands with claws are attempting to get in. Ruin the happiness I feel.

And it enters and ruins the happiness for a moment but I bounce back.

By pushing down my issues.

And it becomes a cycle. A huge cycle of self hatred, self pity, and then self awareness. I end up loving myself again for awhile but the being over weight and not being able to completely love myself is looming in the back of my mind and then something triggers my weird funk.

And I'm back at square one.

Self hatred.
Self pity.
Self awareness.
Progress.
Self love.
Doubt.
Self hatred.
Self pity.
Self awareness.
Progress.
Self love.

The endless mental cycle.

Its draining, I'm tired of it... so its different now. I'm making it different now. I have to make it different, because I want to marry my boyfriend and I want to have babies and I can not not love myself completely. I have to teach my children self love and to do that I have to love myself. Truly love myself. If I don't like the way I look I need to change it.

So starting today, I'm going to love myself. Actually love myself.

One step at a time. I'll start by telling myself I'm beautiful and shower and do one of those morning routine things. Every. day.

This cycle stops today.

I'm excited.