Blue

Creeping In

It's trying to wiggle it's way into my heart
Before the coal turns to diamonds and it's too late
But if it does, I'll be stuck with it

I don't want that
I don't want to feel like that
To get those emotions again
To feel them again

It's never gone well before
And it expects me to let it in?

It keeps on trying to find a way, an opening somewhere
But my wall is airtight
I can barely even breathe

The fumes of the paint on my walls getting to my head
And I can see it
Memories
Happy ones

In front of my eyes
And then, they falter
The bright colors turn gray and I'm reminded of my dark place

Everything is gray and dull
With the slight hues of blue
And I see myself making the same mistakes

Coping the same ways
Saying the same things
Believing your same words

How dumb was I?
To think you'd try
You'd change
Be the someone you wanted to be
Love me the way you wanted love

It was all a lie
And you left me on the ground
To fall apart
While you "took time for yourself"

And you'd hope I'd forget about my promise
But I didn't
And I see me letting you do the same things

Hear you giving the same excuses

Then it rewinds
Before everything between us
When all I knew was platonic love

And I saw my brother in a police car
My dad drunk, multiple times
"Divorce" ringing in my ears when those memories showed up
But that didn't happen

Then I saw them
Every. Single. Last. One.
That she had ditched me for

I see myself run out of the aquatic center and sit down on the concrete
Crying silently and staring at the stars
Wondering where she might've been

Then I see me looking up in the bleachers
Scanning the crowd for her
And bumping weirdly due to my distraction

Each end with a sigh
And the game goes on
I don't quit my events
Or let it effect me anymore

She wasn't going to come
As soon as I got that through my thick head, I gave up on the hope of her showing up

And then the jail
The charges
The happiness I'm expected to feel with her
The forgiveness I'm supposed to have for her
But neither of them are present, they still aren't

And then it all stops
And my walls are staring at me
I'm gasping

My memories aren't in front of my eyes anymore
My throat is dry along with my tongue

Then I hear it
The pounding of bricks
The metal hitting rock

And I see them all
Friends, family, you
All trying to pound your way into my walls

But they're not breaking
Or cracking
They're laughing at them
All of them

Except for you
They're screaming at you
Telling you you're not welcome
And demanding you leave them and me alone

But you just hit harder

I stare in horror and I try to build my mural
But it's too late

It climbed over my walls and landed beside me
It's red and warm and everything I want to be

But I don't have it
Nor feel it
Now it just lets me know that it's at my use
That I can feel those emotions again

That I can go through that love again
That pain again

It's sister is cowering next to me
Holding my hand
After all, romantic love is the strongest

"Well hello there old friend!" It cheers. It's high pitched voice sounded like comfort in a sense.
And nails on a chalkboard in the other

I just glare at it.

"GET OUT!" I scream. It shakes its head and stalks closer.

"Now, you're stuck with me too." It says.

"Don't worry honey, I have a happy ending for you. It's just not as soon as you'd hope. You have lots to learn my child. Get ready for the lesson." It says before I drop down to my knees and sob.

My colors being too scared to comfort me.
Platonic arguing with her sister.
And the banging continues.

As I sit and sob in my chaos of walls.
It crept in.
And now I'm scared for what it has planned.