Blue

Fading Away

I feel like, as the days pass I care less
When my sister says "I love you", my automatic response is "I love you too"
But I find it having less and less of a meaning

I see people, people who I truly care about
And I know they're going through hard times
And I listen and try to give the best advice I can give
But other times I'm zoned out
Completely gone but I still nod my head and try to refocus

I see you walk down the hallways, and I don't run to you like I used to
Or call your name when you walk away
If you didn't see me, then was I meant to be seen?
If you don't care that I'm still here, then why should I?
You're great, don't get me wrong
But, in simpler terms, you're not my priority

Do I want to lose you? No
Will I leave if there's nothing here for me? Yes
Do I want my best friend back? Yes

But it urkes my nerves when I see you glance at me, notice me and continue talking or hugging on someone
And then when you're finished, you have to leave
I waited
And you chose someone else over me
And then left me

Doesn't this sound familiar?

I'm not as sensitive as I used to be
I know that my poem from like a couple days ago says otherwise
But the more I actually got through the days, I didn't care as much

I wouldn't think about you in every class
I wouldn't sulk over you ignoring me
Because I've gotten used to it

I mean, everyone else already does it
I never thought you would, but hey, shit happens

I'm slowly becoming something different
Someone new
I'm excited
But I'm nervous

I don't want to lose my friends
I don't want to lose you
I don't want to not give a shit about everybody
Almost everybody, but not everybody

But I can feel it
In the way that my heart is silent now
Not sad or hopeless
Not screaming or begging
Not jumpy and optimistic either

It's just there
Waiting, looking
It's quite boring actually

Not having that fear of getting hurt
Not risking anything
Sure, walls are necessary

But, goddamn do they shield you
Which is good, cause I just let mine down in like 2 minutes and then they were just rubble on the ground
I don't know how to explain it

I want to be loved
I want to love other people
I want to be wanted (girl, you the one, I want to want me, and if you want, then gurl you got me. There's nothing I, I wouldn't do I wouldn't do just to get up next to youuuu. Okay dudes lo siento i'll stop now)
I know I want other people
I can name like 3 right now

I'm just scared
Scared to pick myself back up
And try

Maybe, maybe it won't be as bad
Maybe being who I was before isn't the worst idea
I know that this me, the broken and depressed me is getting tired of the bullshit

And if it's one thing I learned, it's that a broken me
Is the most dangerous me
Cause I'm not sympathetic of people who feed me lies
I'm not as nice and smiley as the put together me
I'm way more irritable
And I'm closer to snapping each day

I may come off as mean or rude, but that's only cause if I let you run your mouth even longer I'll say something you don't want to hear
I know that to some people I'm the opposite, some people I hug and listen and give advice
That's cause they're these things called, uh what is it,
Oh yeah
Friends
The thing you're supposed to be
That you said you wanted to be

I see what I do
I see how you can be offended or hurt by me
I know what I say
I don't have blurry vision (ok well yeah i do cause im blind as shit but not in this context)
I'm aware of my actions and thier consequences
But who's gonna stop me?
Who's gonna make me rethink or realize what I'm doing is wrong?
Cause to the people who I do still show my soft side to, don't think that I'm doing anything wrong

You were my drug
I was addicted to you
And I've went through withdrawal symptoms
Yeah, they hurt like hell
But I refuse to have a relapse
To crave you again
To need you again

Because you never needed me
Because I had my walls built up
You were in my inner circle
I trusted you

I wanted you
And you destroyed me
And I just wanted you even more after
I thought that I needed you
My heart was begging for you
But my head silenced my heart after your words

And just like that, it wasn't begging anymore
It was breaking
Falling into pieces at the bottom of my chest

And like a phoenix rising from the ashes,
It rose back up
And put itself back together
Despite me having no drive for it too

So now it beats
And sometimes it speeds up when it sees him
Other times it slows down when it recognizes your heart close to it
Or when it hears your voice talking to someone else

When I hug my friends it beats contently
Warm and protected
In the familiar and comfortable arms of them

Its not dead
Even though I wish I was
It keeps beating
Waiting
Longing to be loved again

I'm getting impatient
But I promised myself to keep the grace period

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock

If you're gonna try do it before the clock runs out