Blue

If Only

Have you ever heard the term, "forgive and forget"?
Because I have and I thought I had been doing pretty well with it
Until everything happened

I had learned that for a long time, I had been good at forgetting
But not quite forgiving

And now it's reversed
I'm not, angry per say at you
You can't control your feelings and if I'm not worth your effort, I can't convince you otherwise

It just was a really hard hit to my heart to see that message and to be reassured that I wasn't
That I'm not

If you don't want to try, fine
But you said that you don't want to lose me
So I'm here
Waiting

Because I had always expected it, I knew you were in love with someone else
I just thought that maybe...nevermind it's not important now

I've forgiven you
Forgetting is the hard part

And I can't forgive everyone else for what they've done
Not because it was unforgiveable, but because I was expected to forgive them
And expected to be okay with being left or talked down to or put up so high on this goddamn pedestal that I'll never be able to live up to

They've hurt me, repeatedly
And expect me to be okay
Expect me to keep fighting and being the best me
When I haven't even gotten one apology

And it's still happening
And when I lash out, or when I say no suddenly I'm the motherfucking devil that came from hell and slapped my whole family name

They expect too much of me and cut me too deep
And they're still pushing the knife in

I've grown accustomed to being let down
So it wasn't that hard for me to accept your decision
It just hurt, really bad

And I'm trying to forget and create new memories but how can I when you're avoiding me

I don't know what would happen if you pressed it

Maybe we'll barely talk
Maybe we'll both break down
Maybe we'll pretend nothing happened
Or maybe, just maybe we'll try and actually talk it out and solve the problem

I can't predict the future
But hopefully, in the end
I'll have my best friend back

But I'll make it clear again, it's your turn to put in effort if you don't want to lose me

So it won't be me pressing the button this time 

But I'll be waiting
At the end of the line (also that's a prettymuch reference in phases so go check them out my dudes🙃)