Paths led by mistakes, can take you to a beautiful purpose.

| Part One |

I fucked up.

I know this is a new start, a new beggining to express how I have progressed and healed. 

However, I am still growing and learning... making plenty mistakes on the way. I don't want to sugar-coat a shitty thing that I've done, so I won't.  Although, I am too filled with shame to speak of my faults direcly, I will speak of them through patterns of literature that you may, or may not understand and either way I am okay with that. 

I fucked up. 

I took advantage of your kindess, using the despicable trait of manipulation to keep you loving me without having to reciprocate those feelings. 

Feelings I somehow convinvce myself I'll never experience.

I pretended I didn't notice when you'd bring an extra jumper in your bag for me, as I loved adventuring the night, yet never dressed appropriately. 

I pretended I didn't notice you caring for my health, as you offer me food after seeing I didn't have the money to buy it myself. 

I pretended I didn't notice your small kind gestures. 

I did.

I noticed.

I think you were the one that didn't notice.

You didn't notice I refused all of your offers.

You didn't notice that not caring for you, caring for me.. was the most caring thing I could do. 

I made it clear I couldnt reciprocate your feelings and the fact that you never stopped caring, pained me. 

I drank.

I drank alot.

You were there, as always.

Silently watching the amount I drank, shielding my head from hitting the walls as I stumble down the halls, holding my hair back after the last drink didnt sit well.

and then I did it.

I kissed a boy I barely knew, knowing you were watching. 

I didn't know how else to get you to stop caring, other than through pain. 

I am selfish, I am sorry. 

I didn't plan on going further, however, the boy I had kissed planned otherwise.

I found out the next morning he wasn't drunk, yet knew I was. 

I cannot piece together what happened after the kiss, but, according to him I should drink more often..

I got a text from him, the one whomst I wished I loved, but couldn't.

"Give me back all the things you have borrowed"

I don't deserve to, but I feel sad. 

a simple reply "okay" is all I can muster. 

I lost a good friend. 

love and feelings are toxic, and I havent learnt to believe otherwise.