I stayed with him the whole night. I couldn't bear to leave him. I don't know if he had planned to bring me in last night, considering his family were all away. He was the only one of his siblings that didn't go to visit their aunt over in Connecticut. But I don't think it was planned. I believe what happened last night progressed naturally. I wasn't planning on telling him I loved him. I knew I felt it, but I certainly didn't walk into that building expecting to tell him that evening. I didn't expect our first real, public kiss to happen that night. And I don't think he was expecting that morning as he was getting dressed, that he would end the night inviting me inside for our first time. I think the cards were just dealt in our favor that night. But I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It was perfect.
I don't think of Anthony as my first time anymore. It's all relative anyway. And what I did with Anthony isn't comparable to what Connor and I did. What happened with Anthony wasn't sex, it wasn't real. I didn't look at him, I didn't get undressed, it was purely out of spite. I left the minute we were finished. It was just getting off, it wasn't real. I don't want to count it. Because these two were not the same at all, it'd be a disservice to call what I did with Anthony, sex. What happened last night with Connor was. That was my real first time. And it was wonderful.
I didn't feel an ounce of shame. In fact, it was almost freeing. I let myself out of the imprisonment of how I see my masculinity. I let him take the lead, show me what to do, even though I took the.. dominant role in it. He helped me through, he took care of me. Afterward, he held me in his arms until my heart slowed again. When you expose yourself to someone like that, you let down your walls. You can allow yourself to be taken care of, to be seen as less than a perfect figure of self-reliance.
And I don't think I'll ever go back. I'm freed, in a sense. I don't feel the need to be forced into the roles I thought I had to fill. This was my real first time.
He told me things about himself he's never told anyone before. Things nobody knows. We connected on a deeper basis than ever before.
I woke up the next morning, still in his hoodie. He slept still, his hair pushed back and messy. The freckles beside his eyes twitched while he dreamt, his warm-blonde lashes fluttering. He's gorgeous. He's incredibly beautiful.. his skin is pale and untouched by imperfections. He smelled of sex and faded cologne. I woke him with a slow kiss on the cheek, warm and soft against my lips.
"Connor.." I whispered, my fingertips tracing over his cheek
His eyes flickered open, looking around as he gained his bearings. He stretched and gave me a sleepy smile, reaching out to push the hair from my forehead.
"Good morning... I've never gotten to say that to you before.." I grinned
"Good morning, you sweet little thing.. are you feeling alright this morning?"
"I feel great.. honestly, I feel wonderful."
"M'glad.. I was worried you might not be doing great.."
"Honestly, I could go again if I wanted to.. and I do kind of want to."
"No, you need your meds, Sweetheart.. what time is it?"
"I don't even know what day it is..... oh, shit."
"What?"
"It's Monday."
"What!?"
"It's Monday.. we're late."
"Shit!" He shot up in a panic
"Baby, just calm down.. you can miss a day of school, it's okay.. you're already late, it's the same tarnish on the record as if you ditched.. come on, handsome boy.. just relax" I kissed him on the tip of his ear
