There are some things that just drive me absolutely crazy. The most prominent is when Connor starts to poke fun. The only thing worse than teasing is sincerity. He acts like if I tell him one thing, heart-to-heart, we're suddenly closer than a pair of golfing dykes. But he loves to make fun. In fairness to him, it's the only way I can communicate.
He says i have the emotional maturity of a sixth grader and I'm not entirely sure I disagree with him. But if it's true, he's the one that pushes me to that extent. He's the one that pokes and prods. It's his fault.
"God, you're impossible" he barked
"You're one to talk"
"I'm stubborn for your own good"
"Who asked you to be!? I don't need you looking out for me, you're not my father!"
"When you care about someone, you do what's best for them. Period. I'm stubborn for your benefit. I don't expect you to recognize that or appreciate that, I just need you to try to show the smallest bit of leniency! Try to work with me, try to understand where I'm coming from! Because it's only a place of care.."
"I don't need you babysitting me."
"You also don't need to carry all this emotional weight on your shoulders! It's not healthy, and someone needs to intervene before it becomes too much for you! You're torturing yourself! And I'm not just going to sit here and watch you do it, I love you and I'm going to intervene!"
I paused. I didn't hear anything he said after that.
"...you what?"
The color drained from his face.
"I.. I didn't-"
"What do you mean?" I demanded, feeling almost panicked
"That's not what I meant, I..." he stared at the floor
I felt a wave of emotion overwhelming me. I don't know if it's relief, hurt, or what, I just know I need to get out of here.
I quickly turned away, trying to make it to the door as quickly as I could.
I felt his small, weary hand on my shoulder as he ran after me
"Kevin- you're my friend, I love you, please.."
Somehow that was worse.
I walked right out the door, not to make a point, just to get myself out of there.
I could hear him calling out behind me, asking me to wait. But I wasn't ready to even look back. Not yet. So I didn't. Not until I was home.
He was blowing up my phone with calls and messages. I ignored them all. Nonetheless, I couldn't ignore the thoughts that chipped away at me, the sheer anxiety that festered even in the absence of his presence.
"Mijo, dinners ready!" My father called from downstairs
"Yo ya comí!" I shouted back to him, though I hadn't had a bite since breakfast. I wasn't hungry. Not after that. Not after that ludicrous display. I still find myself trying to understand what he meant. And why it made me feel this way. There's no rhyme or reason to it. None of it makes sense. But I am sure of this, and it's the fact that you can't just do that to someone. You can't get all close to them and let them learn to be comfortable with you, only to drop an 'I love you'. It's not fair. And then to retract it just as quickly, you can't get someone all turned around like that, it's just as bad.
I spent so long teaching myself to be comfortable with him. He is the part of myself that I despise ever so deeply, to hate him is only natural.
I was just learning to become comfortable with that, maybe even to one day reach that same point within myself, and he goes and ruins it all. How can I trust him? How can I pretend to be okay with that reflection of myself, if he's to go and tarnish that depiction I found in him?
