My own reality

25

The door clicks open and the doctor steps in, closing it behind him.
“Good morning, Jason.”
My eyes are numb from staring at the wall for too long. The doctor smiles at me and when I don’t reply he says; “Everything is going great. At this rate you will be out of here in no time,”
If you cooperate, you will be out of here in no time. That’s what he said three months ago. I cooperated. I'm still here.
“This is a test we are running,” he says. “It will take five or ten minutes. It will completely depend on you,”
I continue staring at the wall.
“So,” he says. “We want to see whether you are able to tell your imagined memories from your real memories,”
He flips open his clipboard and pulls out his pen. “So, as you know, your imaginations were triggered by strong emotional surges. Let’s start with when you met Tiffany,”
He scribbles something on his clipboard. “So tell me, when did it all begin?”
That’s when my eyes travel to his. “I remember when she sent me the chit in math class,”
“Was there a strong emotional surge before?” the doctor asks.
“No,” I say. “It was real.”
The doctor scribbles on his clipboard.
“I remember when she was practising, when she kissed Ruffle,” I continue.
“Emotional surge?” the doctor asks.
“Kinda, I was angry at Ruffle,”
“Does the memory feel fake?”
“No,” I say. “It feels real,”
The doctor scribbles on his notepad.
“I remember when she stopped Ruffle from beating me up,” I say. “Same emotional surge, I was angry at Ruffle. But they were from making out so it was probably real.”
The doctor nods.
“I remember visiting her to talk about the essay,” I say “No strong emotions. Real. I remember when we went stargazing; I don’t remember an emotional surge. Could it have been real?”
“Maybe,” the doctor says, eyes on his clipboard.
“I remember asking her out, she said no.” I say. “Definitely real. But the date...I was heartbroken because she said no. Then she sent a text of her saying yes.” I look at the doctor. “Fake.”
The doctor nods.
“I remember when we went to the cliff and watched the sun set. We kissed...”
The memory fills my mind, how she had led me through the forest, we sat on the ledge then we kissed. That wasn't real. It was all in my head. I was probably there all alone...
“Jason,” the doctor says in his professional calm voice. “Was it real or fake?”
“I was from being bullied by Cooper,” I say. “I was sad and angry. The kiss was fake,”
Saying it made it true. Made the whole situation true...
“Go on, Jason.” The doctor says.
“The next time we met was when she was angry at me for cheating on her,” I say. “I was hella angry at the Cross twins. Fake...”
I feel my eyes starting to well up. Fake...
“She came over on Saturday; I was from sitting on the couch for a whole week doing nothing.” She wondered why my situation was her fault. She was shocked by the idea of ‘us,’ She called me a creep and ran off.
“Real,”
The doctor scribbled some more.
“But the next time I met,” I say. “I didn’t have an emotional surge.”
I remember the games; she took the sit next to me and apologized for exploding. We made out...
“You sure?” the doctor asks.
“Yes,” I say. “We kissed,”
“That’s interesting,” the doctor says.
“I remember meeting her,” I say. “I remember falling in love with her, I remember kissing her...”
The doctor stares at me.
“I remember it all fading away,” I choke.
“Okay, I believe we are done for the day.” The doctor says. “We’ll continue the next day on how to keep your emotions at bay without your medication.”
That was what they had given me. I felt numb and dead for half the day. In fact this is the most emotion I've felt for the past weeks, the emotion of telling my fantasy story.
I watch the doctor stand up and walk out.
“Wait,” I say.
He looks back. “Yes?”
“Can I go stargazing?”