The thoughts of a black teenager

seven

Why is life such bullshit.
I have had it up to the upmost had I can, where is the happiness in my life it seems almost wavering. I just tried a minute ago to think of all the happy things in my life and I couldn't think of one. This is a new year and yet the one thing I want to change is the only thing I can change. Home is where family is and that's fucking correct, home is where family is and that's a proven fact because my home has been others home. My life although referred to as a mockery my mommas life has been one shit show, hers suck to the upmost and because her life sucks so much she feels that it falls on her kids. Which is true scars are only a prevention from death and something that I buried in my past, I won't pick up a blade again I feel that I'm too old and too mature to go to a blade. Now I feel that I should drink or take drugs, I want something that would make my mind stop racing. I wish for a boyfriend someone I could talk to and have in my life to really be there to cheer me up but that shits never gonna happen. Nothings ever going to happen, I want to get better. I want to cheer up and feel happier and focus on a way to feel better but its not happening as fast as I would like. It's 2020 and I'm still putting on the same sad fucking smile from last year and years before. I feel like I can't talk to anyone so I'm typing on a wattpad page and my eyesight is getting blurry from all the tears that fall from my eyes. I'm so sensitive and sorry and unhelpful just a big ball of disappointment. I take on everyone's problems and push mine to the back of my mind, I don't help improve problems and when I do they just become mine. I care for everyone else but myself, I literally screw myself so that everyone else will be okay. What the fuck is my problem.