The Living Dead (Tragic Story #2)

Chapter 5

Alone but Never Lonely

"Happy new year, Zari! Kamusta ka dyan?"

Tonett called me 30 minutes before 12am of the 31st day of December. Maingay ang kabilang linya. May mga paputok at torotot na maririnig bukod sa mga boses ng bata.

"Thank you, Tonett! Happy new year din! Okay ako dito. Ikaw, kamusta ka?"

She chuckled.

"Eto, rinding rindi na sa mga kapatid ko! Ang ingay sobra! Pero ang saya!"

"Mabuti naman.."

"Kasama mo ang pinsan mo ngayon sa bahay nila?"

"Oo.." I lied.

I was forced to lie to her. She was inviting me to go with her and have my new year at their town. Pinipilit niya ako. Sobra. Kaya nagawa kong magsinungaling ulit, sa kanya. Sinabi kong uuwi ako sa bahay ng pinsan ko at nakapag committ na sa kanya. Tinigilan niya ako sa pangungulit dahil dun. At yun na nga ang pinaniwalaan niya na sa katunayan ay hindi totoo.

Totoo ang parte na may pinsan ako dito. Magkakilala at alam na magkadugo kami sa mother side. Pero hindi kami malapit sa isa't isa. Totoo rin ang parte na naimbetahan ako ng pinsan sa kanila. Kaya lang gaya nga ng sabi ko, mas gugustuhin kong mag isa na lang kaya tumanggi ako.

Sunod sunod din ang mensahe sa group chat namin. The group greeted me with a happy new year. They even sent pictures of them making funny faces with their families.

Dinig ang ingay sa labas ng bahay. Ang hiyaw ng mga bata, mga tawanan ng pamilya, at kantahan ng mag babarkada. Nasa kabilang street iyun pero naririnig ko pa rin. Malayo sa kapit bahay ang bahay namin, kaya nag iisa lang sa banda dito. However, still you can hear their happy noises. Here. In my empty space.

As much as possible I don't want to look back. Part of my moving on process is never to remember anything in the past. I promised myself I'll never do that. Looking forward is what I planned to do. So, see... I am just here. Don't expect that I'll open up for this year. I'll be braver. I'll be colder. And I'll survive on my own. I swear that to this year.

I heard people counting down. Ten.. nine.. eight.. seven.. six.. five.. four.. three.. two.. one..

Boom. Fireworks are everywhere. It is like a live show in the sky. Sreaming. Yelling. Wow for them. Hope for them. Life for them.

And for me, it is just another year to go through. I sipped on my beer. I drank. Hard. Until fireworks are just like morning stars in my eyes.

When my glass went empty, I get all remaining bottles in the fridge. I was prepared. I bought cases of beers, wasted my money on it. And get wasted for the nights to come.

Sparkling. Shining. Shimmering. Woah. As I drank my beer in my balcony. I have chips, yeah. I have foods, yup. But seems beer is entertaining me more. I focused on it. And I loved it!

That's what I do. Turn myself against myself. Drown myself into emptiness. That's what I've always done.

Throwing myself into this darkness I've been. So fucked up in my own head.

Always.

So, cheers to all the years that helped me do it. Cheers to all the things that brought me here. Cheers to all reasons that made me standstill. I did a toast for myself. I did a toast for all these years and years to come.

Huling alaala ko na lang sa gabing yun ay ang mga tawang pinapakawalan ko at ang paminsan minsang iyak na nilalabas ko.

Nagising ako sa sobrang sakit ng ulo. Napahawak ako rito at umungol dahil sa sakit. Tanaw ko mula sa kama ang napakaraming bote ng alak sa lamesang nasa balcony. What the hell! Naubos ko ang lahat ng yan?!