This isn't what friends do

7. Mason; Ignore it, forget it, pretend to be okay...

“What the fuck are you doing? I text forever ago? Hit me up will you I feel like shit and could do with hearing your voice.” I told him honestly my anger wavering for a moment as I thought about him suddenly jumping to answer his voice laced with sleep or stuffed with food... but after I paused for a few seconds and nothing I continued. “Unless you forgot we said we would talk tonight. Whatever man.” And with that I hung up with a growl throwing my phone to the wall not hard enough for it to break but needing it out my sight. I stormed to my cupboards and pulled out some grey sweat pants pulling them on I took his top off throwing it behind me subconsciously wanting it to land safely on my bed. 

I was overly tired and I knew it so I switched all the lights off and crawled into bed not even bothering with t.v. as background noise I just threw the blankets over my head and hoped I could fall off to sleep quickly. Maybe tomorrow I’d have a ‘I’m so sorry I passed out what’s up?” message or something along those lines and I was being dramatic.

I hated Brandon drama more than any other because he was under my skin at the best of times just because I felt it was his fault I’d changed my mind on liking girls. Before he came along I never once looked at any guy the way I do him, I hadn’t felt for anyone how I do him. I know everything about him, I had him mapped out down to the wire. That’s how I know if he ever knew how some night’s I’ve caved and let myself think of him how I have he would hate me. Damn I even hate myself. His my best friend and I definitely shouldn’t be touching myself thinking about him not when his so straight too, he trusts me and I feel like I’m a liar, like I’m betraying him every time I’ve done it. But then again nobody can make my body feel the way the thoughts I have of him can.
I couldn’t think about him right now. Not when I was mad at him for not being here, not even being here with me on the phone. Tears pushed their way from my eyes again this time escaping only to be wiped away as quick as I could get my hands there not needing to start crying or I wouldn’t be able to stop. Instead I tried closing my brain off completely, wanting to disappear in this bed and only come back once my room was full of daylight.

I don’t even know what time it was when I woke up to rattling noises in my room and then a big ca-plunk sound. I had no idea what it was freezing me still under my sheets until I heard that familiar voice cursing, damn his potty mouth. Still I didn’t move. I was mad, he could come to me. ‘I’m pretty sure he just did' a voice in my head says but I ignore it. “Mase?” Damn his nicknames too. “Mason?” His words are louder now either because his getting frustrated wondering how in the world I’m still asleep or his getting closer to me. I felt a shift in the bed warning me he was near, I was trying to force my smile away at him somehow sneaking into my room at God knows what time and for what reason... I was mad at him. I couldn’t smile. “Are you dead? Wake up!” He rocked my side pulling me to turn in the bed so my back wasn’t to him.

“What are you doing here?” were the first words I said to him, them sounding nastier than I meant them to, I wanted him to know I was annoyed at him but he didn’t need to think I hated him. I knew he was shocked the way he sank backwards away from them as they left my mouth.

“You weren’t answering the phone Mason I was worried about you after that message.” His words were bitter too. I made him worried... enough that he came all the way out here to find me fast asleep.

“Took you long enough.” I mumbled pulling myself to sit up against the headboard folding my arms over my bare chest.

“What the fuck? Why are you even pissed? Because I didn’t text you within an hour? You sound like a jealous prick you know?” He wasn’t thinking about what he was saying he was just mad I made him come out here to argue again in the middle of the night for all I knew.

“No because I needed you and you weren’t there.” The words left my mouth desperately pleading without asking, for him to not fight with me. I couldn’t stand another fight with someone I loved tonight and definitely not him. Not when all I’d wanted was to hear him tell me not to stress over something that hadn’t happened yet, tell me he was here for me no matter what. I needed those words more than anything and not just about the fight I had with my Dad. This whole sexuality thing was tearing me up.

The words made the room silent as again my eyes filled with tears that this time I couldn’t let fall not even if my room was dark enough he probably wouldn’t see. My bed was a tiny single and with me sat at the top leaning forward from the force of my words and him sat straight upright taken aback, there wasn’t much room between us left. “Mason.” He began but his words must of gotten lost because he stopped there.

“You were with her I get it that’s why you said I’m acting jealous but the truth is this always happens. You push me aside as soon as a girl comes into the picture.” I admitted shocking myself how I wasn’t afraid right now that I would scare him off or I’d sound too much. I could just about make out him shaking his head no still silent. “Don’t lie to me.” I pushed deep down after my shower I knew he was busy with a girl and this Nora was actually his new girlfriend.

“I like this one Mason.” He surprised me. His never said that about anyone before and it almost knocked the wind out my chest. It was like a stab in the back leaving me breathless, speechless. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone to you but it was still in my trousers downstairs.” He continued only making it worse, he was also having sex with her. “But in my defence as soon as I seen your message I called you. I text and got no reply. I came here that’s something right? She wanted to spend the night and I practically threw her outside in her underwear to come here.” Okay... his softening me a smile was again pulling my lip testing me. He still thought I was more important than her... “I’m here now.” He reached across the bed his hand on my knee it being a stretch to reach. “Can I stay the night?” I should say no. My Dad hates people stopping and Brandon knew it that’s why he snuck in here. If I agree I will have a rubbish night sleep again. Who cares though. I nodded an okay gaining a little smile from him as he stood up kicking his shoes off then squeezing into the tiny room beside me pretty much on my lap even as I moved over to give his broad self extra room. We were agaisnt each other our legs tangled together, another reason he never sleeps here. “What the hell was up then? What was wrong?” He drove straight in for the good stuff his hand flopping onto my thigh as if he needed to hear the gossip. Was he concerned or did he just enjoy the drama? I slipped deeper into the bed knowing I had to explain everything. It sounded stupid now I’d had time to cool off and I wasn’t so exhausted.

“I just got into a fight with my Dad.” I began not sure if he would wish he hadn’t come over some pathetic argument. He was waiting for more his hand lightly squeezing where it sat on my thigh sending tingles throughout. I hope it wasn’t goose bumps, not when I was topless he would see for sure. “He wants me to work more so I can pay more.” I explained further Brandon instantly becoming confused who was I kidding he was on my side like always.

“Don’t you already pay 50 a week? That’s more than me.” He chuckled. He easily makes more money than me in his fancy bank job but still only pays his Dad £200 a month. He did have to buy his own food so I suppose even his arrangements weren’t perfect but Brandon could eat a lot!

“That was when I was sixteen. I pay £100  a week now.” Brandon sat forward to stare at me mouth open now as he learnt I was paying twice the amount he does and his Dad still does all his washing and everything else for him. The only thing my Mom does is the cooking the opposite to Brandon’s Dad.

“Your taking the piss mate. How can you pay £400 a month yet he wants more? Does he not understand your his seventeen year old son? Not some tenet.” He sounded annoyed like I was too.

“Yeah well apparently every year I’m here it will go up 50 a month.” I repeated the words my Dad told me. He scoffed at this shaking his head in disbelief. “I just don’t understand though they’ve had this house over twenty years they must have it pretty much paid off and if not what does my wages even go on?’ I thought out loud.

“You might as well just get your own place.” He huffed out a laugh not able to understand just like I couldn’t.

“I said that but then I got made to feel guilty. They will loose the house if they cant afford it.” I repeated my dad’s words again this time in a stupid tone. Brandon was still just shaking his head pushing himself lower into the bed level with me.

“As much as I love your family they can really treat you like shit.” He whispered turning to look at me in the dark room our eyes adjusted so we could see each other now, so close... “You know your welcome at mine any time?” He reminded me and I nodded thanking him. “I’ll even stop letting girls come by... Mr Jealous.” He teased bumping his shoulder into mine us both smiling even if it killed me how accurate he was. “Or are you not ready be my full time prince?” He continued to joke for a second my heart fluttered before I remembered it was just his nickname for me and the words had no other meaning behind them. His hand was pinching my thigh trying to get my attention as I stayed so quiet not realising my breathing had become a little deeper and ragged, he had though. I bit down holding my lips together closing my eyes to hold in new tears that once again was trying to fall. He didn’t push to hear anymore he just stayed next to me his thumb caressing over my leg it burning into me as I tried pushing back the knots in my stomach. ‘His your straight best friend. Don’t ruin this. You can’t feel like this. Ignore it. Forget it. Pretend to be okay.’ I repeated over and over in my head letting it fall onto the headboard. His hand let go of my leg and I was glad for a second before panic spread why he had. At least I knew I didn’t have a boner I don’t think anything could of been worse than that.

My brain went silent every thought gone for a small second as his hand came to mine closing around it lacing his fingers around it squeezing it. He didn’t need to say anything. He knew I was struggling right now and that him being here was all I needed. I’m a sensitive guy he knows that. I often get worked up over things that I shouldn’t and his seen me cry on more than one occasion.

“You sure that’s all?” He questioned why I’d be getting this upset over just an argument with my Dad. He was right of course but I couldn’t tell him how I felt so out of place. How I didn’t know who I was anymore or what I wanted. I couldn’t tell him how all I ever think about is him and that I know it’s wrong and it’s eating me up and I feel like I’m letting everyone down by being this way. His question only made it worse as I thought how he knows me better than anyone else except that one thing I’d never tell him. Maybe when we grow apart and he has a girlfriend or he goes off to college I know he really wants to. Maybe then I will tell him I’ve just realised at least then he won’t think I like him. But I don’t think I like guys... I couldn’t tell him I have been with a bloke and enjoyed it because I don’t look at them in that way either... only him.

“I just had a shitty day.” I half told the truth and the acknowledgement of it broke down my final barrier as I sobbed. Brandon didn’t think twice before he dragged my body down to his chest wrapping his arms tightly around me allowing me to let go into his shoulder. I let everything out. Everything I’d let grow inside me I finally got off my chest and all Brandon did was hold me his hand rubbing up and down my ribs as the other clung into my shoulder his grip so tight I was sure would leave finger marks. This would probably be normal for two mates but the fact I was shirtless made everything even more intimate well for me anyway.

As my tears slowed and embarrassment grew over me I tried to pull myself away but Brandon wasn’t having any of it. He only held me tighter. “You know you can tell me everything.” He mumbled into the space around us. Everything... not anything but everything. He knew there was something more wrong with me than I was telling him.
I nodded into him but left it at there. He again sank deeper into my bed taking me down with him so we were laying down flat me leaning on his shoulder my hand awkwardly pulled into my own chest not wanting to touch him.

“Hug me back you jerk.” He laughed finding my hand and dragging it so it wrapped around his side too. It brought a smile to my face brightening my mood before I thought of how he was probably doing this with his girlfriend before he came here. He had said he really liked her. I was kind of happy for him. He deserves somebody to make him happy he really does.

“So... Nora huh? The one?” I asked him trying to not sound like it killed me. He sighed at my words taking ages to answer me.

“We get on better than me and any other girl have.” He half answered my question probably beating around the bush because we both know he can’t do commitment so calling her the one would be a lie.

“Good. I hope she makes you happy.” I told him truthfully.

“I’m not going to ditch you for her. She will have to understand that you will always matter to me mo-" He was about to say more but stopped himself. That was all I needed to hear though. I’d have forever to figure myself out. I didn’t need to worry or get stressed out feeling like I need to know who I am. It will come to me I’m sure. Brandon has my back when it comes to everything else so I’m hopeful that as long as he doesn’t think I’m in love with him that he will understand and it won’t destroy us.