Happy Endings

#Chapter 5

          He was hurt when l told him l didn't care if he smoked. He was hurt because he heard the unsaid words that l didn't care if he smoked, got cancer and died. He would have been annoyed if l told him not smoke. But he was more hurt because l didn't.  He didn't say any of this aloud, but he didn't need to either. l just knew it.  

      l didn't want to say it. l just wanted him to know that we can't be friends because l don't care enough. lt all came out the wrong way. l didn't really mean it when l said that, but now l don't regret it either. He doesn't try to talk to me like he did before. He's still a part of our group, but we're not friends. The only thing we are is two people part of the same group. We don't ignore each other. We do talk occasionally. We never fight. This is what l wanted everything to be like. This is what l am to everyone else. But l wonder if this is what l still want it to be. 

       The thing is, l wanted to tell Jessie that l didn't care about him because l was afraid that l did. l was afraid that l liked him. l was afraid that l wanted to laugh at his jokes. l was afraid l wanted him to be my friend. l couldn't let it that happen. l had to push him away.

         lt's not that l don't want him to be my friend because l am the assistant director of 'The Shorty and the Beast' and he is almost a nobody, a wallflower. Who the hell am l to say that? lt's not that anything's wrong with him. But that's what l've been doing to everyone l feel l can be friends with. l don't want any friends. The only actual friend l've made so far in my life is Mandy. That too, was an accident. l never told her this, but that's how l feel. l was too young to understand these things when we became friends at first. When l was finally old enough to get it, it was too late. l cared about her too much to let go. The fact that l have understood is, the less l care, the less l'll have to suffer. The less l get involved, the less l'll have to think before leaving it all behind.

     That's why l don't make friends. People like Rob and Erin act like they are my friends. l too, pretend it sometimes. l have to pretend because it's easier than accepting the fact that they won't understand if l tell them. They know that l can never be close to them, as l am to Mandy. The thing between me and them is same as the thing between me and Jessie. We just belong in the same friend circle. But the force required to stop myself from getting closer to him is much greater than the force required to keep myself away from them. l don't know why.  l just know that l have to push him away harder than others. 

         That's  what l am doing until one day he suddenly  decides that he wants to  have a talk  with me.

         l'm sitting in my car waiting for Mandy as l'm dropping her home today. l don't know why is she taking so much time. l call her, but she doesn't pick up. So l leave a message. l grab my i-pod from my bag because l'm getting really bored.

         He appears from nowhere and takes the seat next to me, closing the door violently behind him.

          'Pardon?' l'm not liking his manners very much right now. He has enterd, sorry, stormed into my car without asking me and he has almost broken the door of my car so far. He doesn't look a bit sorry for what he did. He acts like l'm the one who invited him in and what he has done is completely normal.

        'Why are you doing this?' He asks something that doesn't have anything to do with this situation and probably doesn't mean anything at all.

          'Look Jessie, l'm in a bit hurry...'

          'You're relaxing in your car listening to music. Sure you are in hurry.'

          'l like to listen to music while driving.'

         'You are an awsome liar, but don't lie right now. Not to me. You're waiting for Mandy who's busy with Jake right now and won't be back for at least fifteen minutes.'