Begin Again; Choi Yeonjun

Twenty One

Haneul's POV:

Christmas had finally arrived. The whole city was beautifully dressed with christmas lights of every color. The weather was cold, possibly announcing snow on the next days... Music, happiness everywhere, childrens laughing, fireplaces and smell of hot cocoa filled the atmosphere along with the fresh smell of pine trees.

But I still had the emptiness. It was the first holiday since Rocky's passing, and I wasn't sure of how to deal with it... However, I was determined to try my best to keep my head up and celebrate his memory as much as I could.

I had woken up really early that morning, helping my mother with every meal we'd share that night. My dad adorned my house with beautiful wreaths on my front door, and even christmas socks on my walls. If it wasn't for the heaviness in my heart, I would've been really happy to share such a special moment with my parents as a family of three again.

"Will you need anything more, mom?" I asked, wiping my hands with a clean towel after I finished washing the dishes.

"I think I'll be okay for now" She responded, her back still facing me. "Will you go now?" 

She turned her head, looking at me with a sympathethic smile. I nodded.

"Yeah, I better go before the sun sets and it gets even colder" I responded, tying up my hair in a ponytail and grabbing my keys right after.

My mom looked at me for a few seconds, then sighed, releasing the knife she was using to chop some vegetables. She stepped forward, grabbing my face with both of her hands and placing a soft kiss on my forehead.

"You're really strong" She whispered against my skin. "Tell him we miss him too" She added, kissing my forehead once again.

I smiled at her sweet gesture and nodded. I turned on my heels, and grabbed my coat and the buquet of tulips I bought especially for him, leaving the house. The wind was even colder than I expected, making me shiver and wrap my frame with my own arms as I tried to warm up. The place where his grave was located was near my house, but since I went walking, I was struggling to even feel my lips that were losing sensibility due to the freezing air. I kept nibbling on my lower lip in a failed try to stop them from getting numb.

I felt relieved as soon as I entered the gardens where we'd meet. A nostalgic feeling attacked me as the memories of his beautiful existence came back in flashes. I could feel the tears building in my eyes when I read his name, and I squatted down to place the flowers underneath. It hadn't been long since I visited him, and I missed him every single day, every minute, but that day was different. 

"Merry Christmas, Rocky" I whispered, with a bitter smile on my lips.

I sighed, resting on my ankles and placing my hands on my lap. My head was down, and I felt like I was caged between four walls with no air, no light, and no exit.

"This is the first one... The first one of many others that i'll get to spend without you" I said, tugging on the cloth of my jeans. I took a deep breath through my nostrils and lifted my head. It was hurting so much, but I knew I had to be strong. There was no other choice.

Christmas was supposed to be a happy holiday. A moment to share with the ones you love, to forgive and forget, to just smile and open up your heart to new opportunities. But what do you do when a part of you is long gone? I had my family, I had my friends, I was starting to be happy again... But he was still missing. That was a piece of my soul I would never get back, no matter how long I waited. I knew that wouldn't be the first time I'd feel like breaking again, it was no secret that although you learn to live without your loved ones, you would never really stop missing them. There would be days where it'd get harder than others... And our first holy night without him was one of them.