Begin Again; Choi Yeonjun

Eight

The cremation ceremony's day had finally arrived. Their last moments with Rocky's physical presence were about to end soon, and that made everyone, especially Haneul, completely broken and desperate. Only the idea of moving on and keep living from that moment without him around was mortifying. She knew he was gone, but somehow, having what was left of him in the same place made it less painful. She wasn't able to see him, his body was too hurt and the family decided to keep his coffin closed during the funeral, but now his everything would become nothing but ashes, and Haneul would never be ready to let him go.

All his family members, Yeonjun and his family, Haneul and a priest were around him. It was a cold and clouded day, and that just made everything look more and more depressing.

Haneul was crying, holding his hoodie tightly with a piece of paper in her hands. Yeonjun was right beside her when the priest asked who wanted to say their goodbyes. She didn't want to say goodbye, but she would not forgive herself if she, at least, tried.

Stepping forward, she sniffled and cleared her throat. Everyone was looking at her, waiting for her words to go out. Her hands were shaking, but she still took a deep breath and decided to read.

"Minhyuk... Never in a million years I would've thought that this day would come so soon. You were nothing but light in my life since the first time I saw you, being you, so full of passion and talent. I never cared about anyone or anything for real, until you showed me how beautiful it was to live a life with so many dreams. You were so effortlessly beautiful, so kind, sweet, caring... I would give my life to bring you back, cause this world needs someone like you" She said, her voice began to crack up. "I don't even know how I'm going to live in a world so cruel without your healing presence. Without your words, your hugs, your warmth. You taught me so many things even when we were young... You taught me to fight for my dreams, to keep my head held high. When I didn't believe in myself, there was you. You made me and everyone around you better people. There wasn't a single part of your body filled with meanness. You always loved me for who I am without asking anything in return. I will always remember the day you kissed my lips for the first time, and made it feel like a forever. I had so many dreams about you and me, but life isn't what we want it to be... And our love story ended so suddenly, so tragically" She paused, sobbing. "We loved each other with a love that was more than love. I'm so grateful, because I met you, because I loved you, because you were my first love, my first everything. There is no way I can forget you, there is no way I'm going to stop missing you. I will always see you in the little things you loved, on rainy days, or Christmas lights... In the sound of violins, and the smell of hot cocoa. All the things we enjoyed together will never feel the same, and I'll keep wishing on a star that we can be together again someday. Thank you for showing me to believe. Unfortunately for me, the emptiness will be impossible to fill. I will never understand why it had to be you, now I learned everything, but I never learned how to be without you. I love you, for all eternity, my Rocky".

Haneul ended up falling on her knees, crying uncontrollably. Rocky's mom tried to comfort her, but there was no use. She was as broken as her, and reality was hitting harder than ever.
Yeonjun was trying his best not to cry, but his heart felt completely shattered. He stepped closer and helped Haneul to stand up, and she just cried on his shoulder. Everyone was crying silently, and now it was officially the time for them to get him out.

Yeonjun, along with Rocky's and his father, and other guys lifted the coffin up, taking it to the van. Haneul cried even louder when she witnessed how they were taking him away from her. Ricky's mom hugged her tightly, crying as well. But then, Haneul couldn't help but run after them, begging Rocky to stay. As soon as the coffin was inside the car, Yeonjun walked towards Haneul, who was trying desperately to stop them from leaving.

"No please, please!" She begged, hiccuping. "Don't take him away!"

The knot on Yeonjun's throat was becoming thicker, and he couldn't stop his tears from falling. He wrapped his arms around Haneul's small, weak frame, containing her from stopping the unstoppable. She struggled, trying to get released, but Yeonjun's grip just got stronger, until she eventually gave up.

He caressed her head as she kept sobbing. His own tears kept streaming down his face and his chest burned, hurt, sting. He cooed her, trying his very best to soothe her pain, even when he knew it wasn't going to happen.

YEONJUN'S POV:

Everything went terribly wrong back in that cremation ceremony. Haneul wasn't able to calm down, and we had to call a doctor to sedate her, once again.

She was asleep on her bed wearing Rocky's hoodie, and I was spooning her from behind. She wasn't aware of the reason why, but that was the only way to make her sleep. I knew better, she was scared, she didn't want to be alone, and all she needed was someone to comfort her.

I was tired, but I didn't care. I was hurting really bad, my heart ached at the sight of her being so devastated. She was a good girl and she had lost her most precious thing in the world.

I stared at her being asleep, removing my arm from her ribcage and sitting straight. I stroked her hair with my fingers, sighing.

"You don't deserve this... I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I promise you, I'm going to find a way to heal you" I whispered more to myself than to her.

I took a deep breath, running my fingers through my hair. Why was life so unfair? Why the best people had the worst luck?.

I drifted away momentarily, until I felt Haneul moving before she sat up screaming.

"No, Rocky!" She yelled, panting and with new tears on her cheeks.

She covered her face and cried. I turned my body, looking at her concerned.

"It's okay, it's okay... It was a nightmare. Shh" I whispered to her as soon as I wrapped her in a hug, with her head against my chest. "I'm here, shh".

She looked up at me, trying to catch her breath.

"I saw it again... The crash, his face" She cried. I rubbed her back trying to comfort her.

"It was a dream, it's okay. You're safe now"

"Yeonjun, I can't get it out of my head... I can't, it's killing me!"

I cupped her face with my hands, forcing her to look at me in the eyes.

"Calm down, Haneul. It's okay, talk to me. What is that you can't get out of your head? The crash?"

She shook her head.

"The way he looked at me before he died".

Her words felt like a knife going through my chest. I couldn't even imagine what she had witnessed in their last moments together, and I couldn't even tell her that it was okay.

I pulled her in against me once more, stroking her head and rocking her. I swallowed hard, and took a deep breath.

I had to find a way to help her... And I would do anything.

"If this is how my life is going to be from now on, I don't wanna live. I don't want to revive that moment every night. I can't". She said.

"I'm going to help you to get through this. Trust me, Haneul. I won't rest until I get to ease your mind".

Even if she didn't want me there, even if she only allowed me to be there in that moment because she had no other choice. I had to change her bad memories with Rocky for her best ones, and I knew how. Even if after that she asked me to leave her alone with them, I was going to do it. I was gonna stay.

I would stay.