Dying To Be Loved

No Love Lost

                     PENELOPE

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                  "Hey, girly! How you been?" A young woman asked me as I pushed the buggy along the isle. When I turned around, I couldn't believe my eyes. She was the most beautiful thing I laid eyes on. High yellow skin completion, thick all up with natural long curly hair. The ends of her hair were sandy brown just as I remembered it and her pretty hazel brown eyes was now a cat looking green color. It was my big sister, Fee. I haven't saw or spoken to her in years.

                "Wait... what? Is that's really you? Oh my God! Look at you! All beauty and shit," I said over excitedly as I wrapped my arms around her neck and hugged her tight. "I can't believe it's you," I said, teary eyed. I was so happy to see her that I couldn't let her go. Last time I saw my sister, we were taken into the system because we were homeless and fighting to survive. She was thirteen at the time. When the cops came as we slept on the sidewalk wrapped in a thin blanket, they took us in, separated us and that was the last I saw of her.

               She held me tight then placed her hands on my shoulders looking into my eyes. Tears ran freely down her face as she cried, barely able to get her words out. "I... I... I thought you w-was-was dead!" She let out a wail. More tears started pouring from the cracks of my eyes.

             "I thought you was dead too!" I replied. We stood in the middle of aisle six in the supermarket weeping our hearts out. Some of everybody stopped and was being nosy as they made their way down the aisle.

              "So, how you been, girly?" She asked me as she rolled her eyes at one of the nosy customers. She always called me girly since I was five years old. Back then, it was cute. Now, it's a nickname of mines I grew to love. I smiled from ear to ear and said, "I been fine. How about you? And I got so much to tell you."

               "Well I will like to hear it all. I got so much to tell you too. It'll be like old times." She was holding my hand, squeezing it tight. I continued staring into her eyes as my heart melted. My life finally felt complete. I no longer felt like a lost child. I now have the only person I ever loved and cared about back inside my life and that was some shit money couldn't buy.

                I placed my hands on my hips and said, "Well, fuck that! We going to meet up tonight. I'm off work until Friday and could use some company. Where are you staying at now?" I asked her. She lowered her head and when she lifts it, I could tell something was wrong. It's was like she forced the smile on her face.

               "Right now, I am staying back with mama in The Pork and Beans. But it's only temporary. She has gotten herself together and have her own place. I bumped into her a year ago and been living with her ever since. Now I know what you're thinking but it's not like that, girly. She's a changed woman and I think it would be nice if you stop by and see her."

                  I rolled my eyes at her and sucked my teeth. "Stop by and see her? See who?! The mama I use to have is dead and long gon'! As long as I'm concerned, you are my mother. You were the one who stay with me them cold nights. You were the one who stole food so we could have something to eat and you were the one who saw me through everything when our mama tricked us out for some drugs. So, don't you come asking me to do no shit like that. I will never see her another day of my life," I cried. Tears ran out my eyes like a steaming volcano. My blood was boiling, and my pressure was up. "Enough with that," I wiped the tears away with my fingertips. "Give me your phone number so we could meet up with each other tonight. I miss you so much and I thank God for allowing me to see you again. They told me you were dead but look at God."

                She hugged me tight and cried with me. "You're right, sis... you are so right. I just had to forgive her so I could love myself. That's all. You don't have to forgive her, and you have every right not to. I just thought you could find it in your heart like I did but we are two different people." She dug inside her Coach purse and wrote her name and phone number down on a piece of paper napkin. As I evaluated her, I noticed that she was behind on the latest fashion. Nobody was rocking coach anymore and nobody damn sure ain't wearing no pigtails. She was still cute though, but I could sense that she was going through some troubled times. Yet, she had not one flaw on her body.

               "I'll see you later girly. Call me! I have to go cook mama something to eat. I rolled my eyes at her and shook my head. "Whatever!" I said before she walked off and I continued my shopping.

                 I sat on the couch and gobbled down a bowl of Blue Bell butter pecan ice-cream. The image of my sister smiling at me ran through my head repeatedly. My heart was filled with joy knowing that she was going to come over and be with me like old times. I finished cleaning the entire house and decided to take a break. My three-bedroom, two bath house was spotless. Not one sight of dust. I took a nice hot shower and lotion my body down. When I was done, I sat on my king size canopy bed and dialed her number. After the third ring she answered. "What's up, sis. What's going on."

                "Nothing, just put mama to bed." I could sense something was wrong. At one point, her voice sounded muffled like she had to sneak on the phone. I rolled my eyes at the phone and shook my head. I couldn't believe she was catering to that monster. The same lady that sold her tiny, innocent, virgin coochie for some drugs.

               "So, you not coming?" I said with disappointment. The sound of crickets invaded the phone. She didn't say a word. I took the phone from my ear, looked at the screen to make sure she was still connected. "Hello? Fee, is you still there?" I asked, thinking the connection was bad. She cleared her throat and softly stated, "I want be able to make it, girly. Mama needs me."

               What? I became furious. She promised me she'll come see me, but now since that bitch needs her, she acts as if she can't come. "The hell with the both of y'all!" I shouted through the phone. "And I pray to God that bitch dies tonight!" My anger continued. Fee started boo-hoo crying over the other end of the phone line.

              "That's the point, girly! Mama is dying. She found out she have AIDS. Right now, she's on her dying bed. The man who she was dating just died last week from the virus. He had full blown AIDS. The doctors said it ain't much they could do for her. She thought she had more time to live because he was infected with HIV for eighteen years and survived that long. However, by him being the carrier, they said she would die faster.

             " I looked at the phone and shook my head. Not one bit of remorse filled my heart. If you ask me, she deserves everything that came her way plus more. The shit she did to us is sick and disgraceful. She fucked up my heart, my mental state and my life. It's no way in hell I could feel any remorse for her. After all this bitch put us through. I thought to myself. I don't understand why Fee is all up in her feelings. That same lady stood there, and watch men put dicks inside our mouth, and she have the nerves to forgive her. I couldn't do nothing but shake my head. "You know what Fee... fuck you and fuck that bitch! You are the only family I have. And for you to turn your back on me because of her, fuck you too!" I hung up the phone and erased her number. Salty tears rolled down my cheeks. The only person I love have turned her back on me. I don't need her. I don't need none of them. Fuck everybody!