Touched

Twenty One, Big Decisions

'everyone here is so flawless'

There has been this heavy and daunting pressure in my chest since the moment I woke up this morning, it was always inevitable that I would be told and held partly responsible for the hurricane of madness that ripped through the castle under Mady's orders.

Despite all of that though I had still held hope that I would get a little bit more time to process everything that I have done and that will change now that I have begun what is inevitably the big change of my world. Whenever I think about all the big changes I have gone through over the past year, I realise that I had continuously convinced myself that things wouldn't get worse.

I was an idiot if it wasn't obvious, one that was so hellbent on ignoring the nagging feelings I had about my powers until it was too late, and I ended up killing more people than I ever wanted too.

There was a small amount of people that I never managed to kill, not because I didn't want to, I remember the urge to rip them apart so vividly but there was the rational, me part that new they were kind to me. The cooks and the two women I met in the courtyard the night everything fell apart.

The fact is, this spell or spirit or magic, whatever it is, is a part of me and pretending I am immune from it is never going to do me any good. It just caused pain and I'm just lucky that they forgave me for what I put them all through, but I just can't find it within myself to accept their forgiveness when this is so new to me.

Killing people isn't normal, nor is it okay, especially not from where I came from where people dying was something Monica and I were consistently afraid of in the sketchy neighbourhood we lived in.

All three of them wanted to get a head start on sifting through the people who willingly joined Cole and Mady and their crusade to kill them. I know that it looked like everyone, but I agree with them, just because vampirism is labelled a curse doesn't mean everyone wants to die. A lot of people would want to risk treason in the name of self-preservation.

Though considering my personal relationship with them I am selfishly hoping that my punishment will be drastically lessened, considering how empty of magic I feel, their punishment might kill me. If they chose to, I know it wouldn't be with the intent of being cruel, but it would make their residents angry if I got off scot-free.

"You sleep like the dead" Rhydian says as I sit up, he is sitting on the edge of the bed with a kind but stern look on his face, one that makes my anxiety stir in my stomach. He's been sitting there for a while, during which I was just laying amongst the pillows trying to digest everything that has been happening.

"I feel dead" I murmur, rubbing my eyes to try and wake up, stretching out amongst the bed and accidently kicking him in the process which makes him smile lightly.

"Well it's late so you're going to have to save your dead sleep for later" he chuckles, tucking the stray hairs behind my hairs before cupping my face gently in his hands "I know you do not want too but we have to talk about what happened"

"I know" I sigh, sitting up and leaning my head forward onto his chest, trying to soak up all the warmth and kindness he is showing me now before have to talk about everything that went wrong.

The castle is in ruins, the structure is all the same, but rugs and curtains are missing, and the floor has glass on it from where I through dead vampires out the window. Looking back on that would make me laugh if it wasn't so graphic.

There is however still so many people walking around helping clean the mess I created, I feel as though I should be the one being made to undo the destruction, but I know that Rhydian will never let me. Mates or not he will protect me and right now, I think that is all I need because I know that no matter how much I wish to be, I am not in control.