E F F E R U S

Genesis

Four Years Ago

Tabula Rasa. I've made this phrase my mantra moving forward into college and my alarmingly real adulthood. As I stare at my bare dorm room, lacking personal touch and a sense of home, this motto has never been more palpable. A clean slate. This is what I've been waiting for.

My last year of high school had been grueling.  For all of my teenage years, I had set myself apart from the adolescent antics and robbed myself of the high school experience. I spent my time with my family, a few close friends, but mostly by myself. I was focused on setting myself up for a good college education and resisted wild nights and the teenage daydream.

It's not that I didn't want to hang with the rowdy crowd and engage in morally questionable behavior, but my school was too small to get away with any of it. I valued my parents perception of me and feared the gossip of my peers. Fortunately for me, my studiousness allowed me to attend college far from home, and far from my safe life I was so used to.

Moving forward, I am no longer the poised Charlotte I have come to know and despise. I will introduce myself as Lottie. So nice to meet you! Yes, I like to drink on the weekends, sometimes on school nights. Yes, I would sleep in his dorm room if given the chance. No, I don't have a fake ID, but could your second cousin please make one for me? I can't wait. Sandra Dee is dead. I was going to bury her six feet under.

"And that's the last of it!", I suddenly hear from my new doorway. My dad stands between bags and boxes, extending wide arms for an embrace. I waste no time in squeezing the life out of his tall frame, savoring these precious last moments. Tears quickly make an appearance, but I am quick to wipe them away. No crying. This is the beginning of the rest of your life. Save the sentiments for your pillow.

I know that I desperately want independence, so why was this suddenly so hard? I had spent my whole life with my close knit family, and while I wouldn't  trade that time for the world, I needed to find my identity outside of them. Far away. Where I couldn't easily run home crying into my dad's arms when I've had a bad day.

I have a big family of four sisters and brothers. Finny, my sixteen year brother and closest confidant, came to help me unpack and say his not so final goodbyes. The other three are well in their adulthood, having already been where I am right now. God, did they feel this anxious too?

I take a look around, and my reality sets in. My father must have seen mood change, because he exclaims, "You're not getting rid of us just yet bug. Mom and Finny will be back in a few to help us set up your sick new crib. We'll give your roommate a run for her money."

My roommate. I knew her as Gabriella, but I had always wondered what I'd call her once we became acquainted. Was she trying to reinvent herself too? Was she a Gabby, Gab, Elle, or Brielle? Not everyone feels like they need a fixing like you do, Charlotte.

I met her through the university's Facebook group, where incoming freshman mingle and meet prospective roommates. When I stumbled across her page, I immediately sent her a message. If anyone were to get me out of my bubble, it looked like Gabriella was the one to do it.

Her profile picture was taken at a concert, bright lights and bodies everywhere. Her arms were thrown around a guy and a girl seemingly a few years older than her, both tastefully edgy and wildly attractive. Every image on her page appeared like an outrageous adventure with unimaginable stories behind it. Gabriella seemed like the type of girl who could chalk up a conversation with anyone and maximized every second. Funnily enough, soon so would Lottie.

My message to her had been a simple introduction, hoping to have a friendly discussion about possibly rooming together. When she messaged back with, ' I'm planning on making our lives a living hell, it's going to be so much fun. U up for it?' I glimpsed into the eyes of the next four years. I was terrified of it. I was fascinated by it. I had no choice but to throw myself into Lottie, and leave Charlotte in the dust for good. 'Hell yes!' I responded eagerly. It was game time, and the beginning of a glorious friendship.

As I was finishing my bedding and admiring my good work, the rest of the lot enters the small dorm. Gabriella, with her arms lock through my mother's, greets me with, "And you must be the the beautiful Mrs. Thomas! Ecstatic to meet you. Your daughter Charlotte and I are already up to no good." My mother, the real Mrs. Thomas, hollers at the girl's act. "Oh, you're going to have fun with this one, Char."

I smiled at the mischievous grin on Gabriella's face, which promised just that. She extended
her other elbow to me. "Gabriella, but you can call me Gabby. No better time than now for a name change, huh?" I linked arms with her and grinned right back at her and stated proudly for the first time, "And you can call me Lottie."