His Favorite Dessert

Chapter 13: Drowning Thoughts

Four days. Ninety-six hours. Five thousand seven hundred sixty minutes. My tears have been my pillows and my thoughts have been my blanket. I cried for my relationship with Melvin. I cried for the lack of relationship I had with myself. I cried for the little girl who desperately wanted to be accepted and finally made a priority by her father. Here I laid in bed drowning in my sorrows while on this beautiful island.

My first night here  I cried to my grandmother while filling her on all the events that lead to this trip. Her reactions ranged from proud of me to disappointed in my father to heartbroken for me. I have been glued to my room since I arrived. The view was breathtaking at night. I would sit on my balcony at night wrapped under my blanket and just stare at the ocean. When I was a child, being in the water always put my soul at ease. But now i feel like the ocean would just swallow me whole.

Part of me wanted to shake this feeling off and move on with life knowing leaving him was for the best. But the little voice in my head prefered for me to wallow in my tears instead. The voice that never lets me forget my insecurities or flaws.  Nana has been trying to get me to leave this room for days now. Every now and then she would check in on me when she left food for me on the nightstand but i didn't have an appetite. Food lost its taste. Work felt worthless. Life felt useless. Since I can remember , I have always treated people kindly and gave my all . But I always got burned. I wasn't safe from family , friends or relationships.

I was just about to close my eyes for yet another nap when my door swung open. " Wake up !! Jayla I have given you  enough time to mourn this hurt but it's time to start living again . Wake up", my grandma walked in saying. I pulled the covers over my head and moaned in annoyance. " Jayla I will not repeat myself" , she said. I never disobeyed my elders but she didn't understand the pain I was feeling.

Annoyed with me , she yanked the covers off me. I felt the cool breeze hit my legs. " Nana please let me be. I give up. I can't fight anymore . They win", my voice cracked as I spoke. I felt the bed dipped behind me. She took a deep breath before she spoke " Child life isn't rainbows and sprinkles. Some will have it easier than others. Some will feel more pain then they should. But in the end it will be worth it. Everyone is destined for different journeys". I turned to look at her with tears running down my cheeks. She had a loving look in her eyes as she wiped my tears away.

It took me three tries to speak without my voice cracking. " You taught me early on that life can get difficult at times. But I don't understand why I have had to endure so much pain. If the men in my life weren't breaking my heart , it was the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally breaking my heart even more. I don't know what I ever did to have my mother hold such hatred for me in her heart. Or why my father never stood up for me? ", I asked her.

She placed her hand on my cheek and closed her eyes. " I am so sorry my son didn't step up as father. He wasn't raised to be a coward. Love, life will put you through storm after storm until you learn the only person you need to protect you is yourself. It pains me to see you carry so much pain but you have to stop letting your pain define you" , she said as she stood up.

She walked over to the curtains and pulled them open and opened the windows to let sunshine and air in the room. She walked over to my closet and pulled out a dress. She walked inside the bathroom and came out with towels. She placed everything on the bed. She walked to the bed and put her hand out for me. I stared at her hand for a few seconds. Those few seconds felt like years . Placing my hand in her hand she pulled me up so I could sit up.

I felt like I was shedding some weight off my back. She lifted my chin and looked me in my eyes before saying ," You are strong and powerful. People will hurt you when they know you don't realize how powerful you are. Take back your power."  She turned around and started heading out the door. Before she left she turned around one last time and said " Now get your ass up and get dressed. Your time for mourning is over.  Do not make me come back for you."

I laughed and smiled. Walking into the bathroom I felt loved and ready for a new beginning.