Come into the Water

chapter thirty

She shook her head, pursing her lips. "Not really."

"Not really? So...kind of a yes?" I asked.

"It's not really that simple. I was created to have sex and feed off of human energy to stay alive, no offense. So I haven't really felt any form of romantic love or attachment for someone. The closest bonds I have are with Silas and Aries. And I'd like to believe we're getting somewhere too..." she trailed off with a small, shy smile. I returned her smile, giving her arm a small squeeze. "I can care about someone's well being, but not necessarily want to be with them. You understand?"

I nodded. "Yes, I get it. Do you think you'll love someone someday or better yet do you even want love?"

She sighed, which to me was a tiny yes. "I love Aries and Silas. That's enough. Romantic relationships rarely last anyway. I don't want to waste my time."

"Fair..." I trailed off in agreement. "But not all. My friend Aimi's parents have been together for like twenty years. I think that's something."

"They got lucky," she said with a nearly sad smile. "But let's not talk about endings. How are you liking your soup?"

I barely had eaten any so I began to place more of it in my mouth. "It's great. My mom used to make me chicken soup when I was sick. Even when I wasn't sick, I just loved it that much." I smiled. I felt a brief wave of nostalgia fall over me.

"I'm glad you're enjoying it," she grinned.

I still hadn't gotten a look at the bruises on my neck. I had been avoiding it like a plague. But I had to use the bathroom, and I knew that shortly I'd be faced with the damage in the mirror. That would have made it even realer than it already was. But I had to deal with it. I was strong. If I couldn't be strong for myself, no one else would.

After I finished my soup, I excused myself and made my way to the bathroom. The walk felt much longer than it usually did. The dread was overwhelming. Maybe I had been walking slower or dragging my feet. It was terrifying, almost as though Samael would be on the other side of the door. I felt my anxiety building in my stomach and climbing up my throat. I nearly vomited.

I shut the bathroom door behind myself, trying to catch myself before my anxiety turned into an anxiety attack. I avoided the mirrors initially, going to use the bathroom. I sat on the toilet seat, staring at my feet the entire time. After I flushed, I made my way over to the sink. My eyes remained downcast as I washed my hands. I lathered them with soap, making sure they were nice and clean until I couldn't avoid the mirror anymore and looked up.

My lips parted as I took myself in. I felt my eyes watering again. The tears slipped out as I moved my hair out of the way and behind my shoulder. I was no stranger to bruises considering the extent of roughness I enjoyed in the bedroom. I had, had bruises before that I wore with pride. But this just made me feel shameful and disgusted. I felt bad. Ugly.

The brown skin of my neck was littered in dark bruises with undeniable fingermarks. The dark purple and discolored skin was no doubt noticeable. It stuck out like a sore thumb. The only way I could cover it was with a turtle neck. I wasn't too sure makeup would do the mess any good.

I felt anger ignite within me. I was mad at Samael. But I was also mad at myself. I wanted to choke him like he had done to me or at least bring him to his knees. But there was just no way that I could do anything. Or maybe I could have, but I wasn't as stupid as my impulses.

He would never lay another finger on me again. I refused to let him ruin me. I couldn't fight back then because he had caught me off guard. But I refused to be caught off guard again if there was a next time. I clenched my fists tightly. I felt angry, sad, helpless, but overall I felt annoyed. The wave of emotions swallowed me whole.

I wanted them to heal quickly because I wanted to forget what happened. And I didn't want anyone to think about what happened every single time they laid their eyes on me. Not only were the bruises fresh but the situation was too.

I wanted to be alone. But at the same time I didn't. I didn't know what I wanted. I felt too much. I had never felt this much and at this intensity in the twenty three years of me being alive. Too many things were happening at once.

I sighed. The tears fell again, but this time I let them fall. My frustration had taken over. I let myself feel, sinking to the floor. I hugged my knees to my chest, crying as silently as I could. The unknown scared me. Not knowing what would happen after the whole ordeal terrified me. So I cried on the bathroom floor until I just couldn't anymore before returning back to Jasmine.