If I Stay {Fillie}

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Pain.

It's hard to sleep when that's all you're feeling.

It had never really gone away, really. It had always been there, but had just now decided to show its ugly head.

Millie had had to sneak downstairs at one in the morning after her family went to bed to take a small trashcan from the kitchen to keep beside her bed in case she got sick again.

She hadn't thrown up again since earlier when she was watching the concert on TV, and she was grateful for that. What concerned her was that she had felt fine all day before that moment. Maybe this was something more than what she thought.

Millie was now sitting cross-legged on her purple bedspread, thinking, neck still throbbing. This had happened before, she was sure of it. She'd previously thought it had started after her birthday, but now she remembered something.

A weird swelling of her neck when she was about thirteen.

It had started with an uncomfortable feeling in the morning and gradually gotten worse as the day wore on. School was a struggle that day, with the pain worsening every hour.

She hadn't told anyone then, either.

Millie had gotten an icepack and held it on her neck until the swelling went down and then gone to sleep. It hadn't bothered her again until years later. February 22nd. She'd simply been out shopping with her mom, and felt an odd prick in her neck.

She had excused herself to go to the bathroom and, looking in the mirror, had seen a lump on the back of her neck that was red and swelling fast.

What if this was something bigger than just an uncomfortable feeling? Something could actually be very wrong.

That's what her head was telling her anyway. Her bruised heart said otherwise. Doctors have killed so many of your family members, remember? They'll just kill you too. Faceless and cold.

Obviously, Millie knew the doctors hadn't really killed her uncle, or her godfather, or even her grandmother. But her heart was broken for those people, who had died under the care of these so-called healers. And so to her, it almost did seem like they had killed them.

When you see death at six years old, it breaks something inside of you that can't be mended again. And you have to blame it on someone.

So doctors were the bad men.

Millie eyed her phone in the corner of the room on the charger. A minute passed. She's probably up. She's always up.

She picked up the phone and sat staring at the screen for a long time, opened to Sadie's number, contemplating whether to call her or not. It was only about two in the morning. Her red haired friend didn't usually sleep until at least four on weekends.

Millie pressed call and waited patiently. She just needed to hear Sadie's voice, at least.

Just as she'd thought, the redhead was wide awake.

"Millie? What's wrong?"

The brunette sniffed. "I don't know, Sade. I'm kind of a mess right now."

Sadie paused for a moment, then said, "I'm on my way." The line beeped and the call ended.

Millie checked the time: 2:16 AM. Sadie was coming to make sure she was okay at 2:16 AM. She truly didn't deserve her.

She crept downstairs to the front door to wait. Couldn't have the entire family waking up and asking her questions she didn't want to answer.