Prince Charming Must Die

22. Ice Elves are not Adorable

"No, but they seem ... I don't know." He snapped his fingers as if this would somehow provide the answer. "Familiar."

Familiar? Honestly. For months she thought her prince had been gazing into your eyes with true love, and it turned out all he'd been doing was daydreaming about dragon quests or the dinner menu. "Tell me, man, what do you do at the castle? What's your day job?"

Without hesitation, Ashley said: "I'm a unicorn groom." Of all the jobs at the castle, for some reason, this one sprang to mind first.

"Which is your favorite unicorn?" he said. She could tell he was testing her.

"Louis, naturally."

"He is the strongest."

Ashley relaxed a little. He bought that, at least. Then she stiffened. Louisa was still in the Forbidden Forest waiting for her. The quicker she got out of the carriage, the better.

A hand bearing a package of clothing plunged into the carriage. "Sire, here are the items you requested."

Charming snatched the bundle, withdrawing a vial and throwing it back at the guard. "I don't need the smelling salts as it turns out. But a glass of mead for my guest. Chip chop."

"Maybe water," Ashley croaked.

"Water for him then. Go." The guard departed. Charming flung his arm dismissively in Ashley's direction. "You may look away."

"Why?" Ashley said, genuinely curious. She'd already seen the worst.

"Because I'm going to change into clothes that aren't slimed with your vomit."

"But before you ... you ... seemed ... to kind of ..."

"Never mind that now. Go on. Obey your prince."

Ashley rolled over, pressing her nose into the satin pillows. They smelled like lavender, which was an improvement to the smell in the rest of the carriage.

A few minutes later, the prince was out of the vomit clothes and into clean ones. She was kind of surprised that he could dress himself. That's another thing about being royal, which she'd only had to put up with it for a few months. Imagine spending your whole life without ever putting on your own boots?

"It's safe now," he said, tossing the dirty clothes out of the window.

"We're ready to leave, sire," said a guard, removing the soiled clothes from where they'd landed on his head. Another guard handed Charming a mug of mead and another with water. They both guzzled their drinks and returned the mugs.

"Then let's be off."

The liquid in Ashley's stomach churned. "Wait, don't you want me to leave first?" Louisa! Ashley had to get back to her unicorn.

"Why would I want you to go?"

"Because I am a lowly groom who just threw-up on you and have no right to ride in the royal carriage with your illustrious self."

"It's boring to be alone. It turns out velvet and gold are nice to look at but don't have much to say."

"Why not invite the gentry? They are probably better conversationalists."

"Because they all want something from me. And you don't. It's refreshing."

"I wouldn't mind a title and a few thousand acres of parsnips."

Charming laughed. "See? You are amusing. And you'll stay. I still think I know you from somewhere, and I'm determined to figure out from whence. Have you ever worked in a brothel?"