Summary: Depression strikes and Bucky is there to help
Warnings: TW: descriptions of depression, hopelessness, imagery and slight description of self-harm, crying, fluff and cuddles with hopeful ending.
A/N: The last few months have been rough. Whatever you're going through, there's always hope.
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The urges come in waves. You'll break the surface of one and think you've done it but another crashes over you, drowning you again.
The urge to pick up the silver and press it against the softness of your skin and feel it unzip until blood peaks out from the opening. The urge is so strong that you don't trust being on your own but you don't want to be around anyone either.
And all of this confuses you because you haven't done anything in years and the urges haven't been this strong in all that time. But they're there none the less and right now they're all you can think about.
You lay in bed, in the middle of the day, with the door locked. The covers are pulled up to your chin, tight like a straitjacket. Your head is buried in a pillow as you try to sleep everything away but your head is too loud. There are too many thoughts and voices mashing together.
But still, you squeeze your eyes and will the darkness of sleep to consume you for a few hours at least. Nothing happens. You lay there listening to your ragged breathing and roaring in your ears, accompanied by the demons in your head.
A knock on the door breaks the silence and bounces around inside your head, "Y/N, you in there?". His voice is muffled by the door, but you would know it anywhere.
You don't answer, you can't. You feel like everything you want to say is stuck in your throat and you will him to go away and kick down the door all at once.
Bucky's voice is still muffled but louder now, "I know you're in there Y/N, please open the door. Please let me in".
"Just leave Buck. I'm fine. I'll see you later", your voice is the one saying the words but you're not sure if it's the demons in your head trying to isolate you or the version of you that tries to take care of everyone. Telling him to leave to spare him having to see you like this. To spare him having to see his rock crumbling.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'll sit out here all day if I have to", his tone is firm. Final.
You sigh and decide not to argue. You don't have the energy. You keep your mouth shut as you burrow deeper into the covers, hoping they would just swallow you whole.
You hear the handle being jiggled, "I'm worried about you, just open the door. Don't shut me out".
You don't register the moistness on your cheek until the pillow becomes damp, but still you don't say anything. You want him to go away. You want him to stay. Your mind is too fragile to make the decision, so you lay there frozen by it instead.
You start to hear little scrapping noises at the door, and it takes a while for your brain to understand around all the fogginess. By the time you realised what he was doing, he had done it.
The door swings open from the lock he just picked and for a few moments everything is still. You don't move, but you can feel him standing in the doorway, scanning the room until his eyes land on the pathetic lump in the bed.
You hear his feet on the plush carpet, but you only bury your face deeper into the pillow. You think that if you can't see him and he can't see you then none of this is real. You think you can escape the inevitable judgement.
You feel his presence on the other side of the bed before you feel the dip, the rustle of sheets and the moment of cool air before a chest meets your back. Strong arms wrap around your middle pulling you closer until he tangles your legs together.
He kisses the back of your head before he buries his face in your neck, placing a few more gentle kisses there. He doesn't say anything. He just holds you. And you're not sure how long you're like that when the dam breaks. When the tears you didn't know were building let loose down your cheeks and over your jaw.
Bucky squeezes you tighter, a gesture to let you know he's here and he's not going anywhere, and it makes you cry harder. People being nice to you always makes you cry harder than people being mean. The wires in your head twisted into a tangled mess from all the people you thought you could trust. You know you won't function right again, but you don't show it. You don't let people see it or know it. You can't because it's a weakness and you think weakness is the reason you keep getting hurt.
Somewhere, in between all the tears, you manage to whisper, "I don't know how much more hurt I can take, Bucky".
He gives you another squeeze but it's a signal to turn to face him. Despite the protest of your body, you do, with the help of Bucky. He cups your face and stares into your eyes for a few moments, your breaths mixing together.
After searching for something in your face he finally says, "you know the last time you felt like this? You thought the same thing, and you came out the other end-".
"Yeah, but-".
"Hear me out. You came out the other end and it was good wasn't it? I know it hurts right now. Whether there's a reason or no reason, it hurts just the same. And if I could take it all away, baby, I would do it in a heartbeat. But since I can't, I'm going to be here to remind you that the bad days, weeks, months, even years are there to help you fall in love with life".
You give Bucky an incredulous look before you start to shake your head in confusion or denial, you weren't sure. Maybe both.
Bucky stops your head by applying more pressure to his hold. He kisses the tip of your nose, distracting you long enough for him to explain, "I'm not saying people have to have bad days to enjoy life. I don't want anyone to have bad times. But I feel when you do, you have a deeper love for the little things. When you get to see the next episode of your favourite show or the trailer for a movie you can't wait to see. When you get to try new things or eat your favourite foods. When you buy someone a present and you get to see the expression on their face. When you listen to your favourite song or have a hot bath".
Bucky pauses to swipe your tears away with his thumbs, "right now, you don't want another day to come and that's okay, you're allowed to feel that, but you're not allowed to give up. So, you can stay in this bed for as long as it takes to fall back in love with the little things in life. And I'll stay right here with you, so we can fall in love with life together".
You stare into his steel blue eyes, and you can feel the truth and sincerity unwavering in him. You close your eyes and nod, moving forward until your head is on his chest, his strong arms around you. After hours of lying there together, the first little thing you started to fall in love with again is the sound of Bucky's steady heartbeat.
