an ode to the loveless, these are for you.

nostalgia

nos·tal·gia
/näˈstaljə,nəˈstaljə/
noun
a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

--------

i wanna go to my aunts house,
which before was my grandmothers (whom i never met).
there's a small wooded area behind the house and past the old swing set.
there's a box buried there, a time capsule, that my aunt and uncle buried when they were children which is yet to be found.
in the fall me and my cousin used to go out and play in there,
make piles of leaves and jump in them,
dirt and bits of twig and leaf getting in our hair.

but now the old swing set is rusty, i'm far too big for the child-sized slide and swing seats.
the sandbox lid broke a long time ago, water got inside.
that's been thrown out.
the old barbie jeep that we used to drive to the farm down the street has broken down, nor could i fit inside of it anyways.

the old tire swing at the neighbors house we used to swing on all the time, going so high and thinking we were on top of the world, has been replaced.

the yard where my other aunt got married and i was flower girl for has overgrown and the wicker arch where the bride and groom stood on july 7th 2007 has rotted.

the empty junkyard next to my aunts house where my brother, cousins, and i used to climb the big mulch piles and take pictures on my old iPod touch has been repurposed, used to store construction supplies.

the basement has been redone, the cold tile floors we used to sit on and play with vintage barbies and hot wheels cars is now plush carpet and the old toys have been moved to a different place. the pinball machine that never worked is still in its normal spot, and still has the cartoon image of the girl in a bikini on it.

the cats are still there, with some additions. Bonita, who i found on the porch curled up on an old rocking chair when i was 4 or so is still going strong.

but never less,
it's all changed.

i just wish to go back to the house, walk on the stone pathway between the house and garage, pass the gazebo and coy pond, to the swing set.
i wanna sit on the blue swing which me and my cousins used to fight over because it was the "best" swing even though they were all the same.

after that i wanna walk into the woods, to the small clearing where we would play in the dirt with the earthworms and other crawly bugs that fascinated us.
and i'll take the leaves, golden and brown and red, and make a duvet cover and lay on top of the bare skin of the earth as i pull my new cover over me and fall asleep under the smell and sound of
nostalgia.