Your Memory Will Carry On (Mikey Way)

Ray

Why does Gerard suddenly love her? He didn't love her when she needed his love, and now that Chris is okay without him, Gee wants her?

"I don't love him." Christina said. I didn't even know she came in here. She was standing at the foot of my bed, holding her own hands and twiddling her fingers. "Gerard told me everything."

"He what?" I asked, sitting up. Chris walked to the side of my bed and sat, her back to me.

"He told me everything. About us. I don't love him. He told me I used to love him but I just don't feel that way about him. I don't love him." She said quietly. I could hear sadness in her voice.

"Chris, are you upset because you want to feel that way and you don't?" I asked. Probably a dumb question since Gerard is the hot older brother. Of course she wants to be in love with Gerard.

"No. I don't feel anything for him. I think knowing all the stuff he did to me is what's stopping me from wanting him like that. He kissed me tonight and the only reason I let it happen was because it made me remember something. I'm putting all my trust in you guys and you've all told me that I did have feelings for Gerard. But I just don't and I'm confused. Why do my feelings contradict the things you guys have told me? Why can't I just remember for myself?" Chris said. Her voice started to shake and I knew she was about to cry. "I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know anything. You have no idea how hard it is to not know who the person is staring back at you in the mirror. I just feel so stupid."

I don't even care that Gerard kissed her tonight. She's telling me she doesn't have feelings for Gerard and that's something I've been wanting her to say for years. Just... not like this. She was still facing away from me, but I could hear her sharp little inhalations, and I've seen her cry enough times to know that she was crying. I reached out and grabbed her by the arm. I pulled her backwards to me and she melted. She grabbed a fistful of my shirt with one hand and wrapped the other around my back. I circled my arms around her and just held her. I could feel her shaking with sobs.

"Why don't I feel the way everyone tells me I should feel?" She sobbed. I know her well enough to know that she's not looking for an answer, she's just thinking out loud. It still breaks my heart all the same. I wish I could just reach my hand inside her head and open the gate that's holding her memories back. "I'm so lost."

I started rocking back and forth with Chris in my arms, trying to do anything I could to calm her down. Chris looked up at me then. Her blue eyes were encased in a blood shot mess. Her cheeks were shiny with tears and her lips were quivering. She looked me straight in the eyes and held my gaze without blinking. I couldn't look away.

"We've done this before." She said. I didn't know what to say. She's cried many times like this with me. I don't know if she's referring to a specific event or just generally. "I've cried over Gerard with you before. I remember sitting at my dad's grave with you and crying because of something Gerard said."

She's talking about the time Gerard told her that he didn't want to be with her. It was at the end of senior year. Chris had just decided to commit to UCLA and the band had made the decision to record some music professionally. Gerard told Christina that he thought they should leave their relationship in New Jersey. Chris did not want to hear that and we took a walk to her father's grave to see if it could bring her some peace. She didn't have a breakdown until she was standing over the grave. All I could do was hold her.

"That was when he told you he didn't want to be with you anymore." I told her. She sat up and wiped her eyes. She moved so that she could face me on the bed.

"He told me tonight that he was only with me because I made him feel good. Why was I so fucking smitten by him when all he did was use me? Why was I with someone like that?" Chris asked. Her voice was still shaking but she wasn't crying anymore.