A Woman Seeking Solace

Chapter 9: Things Money Can't Buy

A problem shared is a problem half solved. I didn't know if mine could be solved but it was time I shared it.

I knew I couldn't keep it a secret anymore, that I had to tell someone, anyone, before these secrets would hurt me, they had consumed me for so long. It's been 13 years but it's never too late for the truth.

I'm not sure if it's the thoughts or my guilty conscience but I struggle to sleep at night. It's why I'm always in the study, always working; the only positive consequence of my insomnia.

Maybe after admitting to my wrongdoings I'll be a better mother, a better wife and possibly, I'll be able to forgive myself for doing it in the first place. I'm not seeking personal justification but a little piece of mind would make it easier to sleep at night.

I wondered where I would begin, what would I say? I wondered whether I would blurt it all out or beat about the bush. Hopefully, he wouldn't judge me.

Hopefully, he'd understand that my intentions were pure and all I wanted to do was to have a family, keep my family intact and maybe bring everyone closer to him, closer to God. I wanted everyone to see it as a miracle, that women also deserved miracles.

To make it as simple as possible and to avoid an audience or unwanted attention, I made an appointment. I made sure I was early, dressed appropriately and prepared to tell him the whole truth.

The location was perfect for my intentions too; the statue of a mother and child, made me feel more at ease and the roses were so welcoming. The pond's reflection of the sun was inviting and even though I couldn't go in for a swim, looking at it was more than enough to keep me calm. It was Eden and I was Eve, ready to confess that another had tasted my forbidden fruit.

A beautiful brunch was set up for us.

I waited patiently for him, taking in the environment until finally, the moment arrived and he walked in. He walked up to me and gave me a hug, he then sat down with his hands held out to me and I knew that was his way of signalling me to begin the process.

Without hesitation, I placed my hands gently on his and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been 15 years since my last confession. Father, truly, I don't know where to begin".

With a comforting smile, he put his hand on my shoulder and said "It is okay my child, talk to me and I will listen. You know the church is a safe place, I am not here to judge you... But before you begin, may I say that by the look in your eyes, I can tell that what lays in your heart weighs heavy, so I don't understand why you would wish to discuss it in the church garden out in the public."

I took a moment to admire his keen senses, then looked down at my wedding ring and then back at him. "Father, before I begin my confession, I would like to confirm that everything I say shall stay between us correct?"

He smiled and nodded at me, removing his hand off my shoulder and placing it back in mine.

"The truth is Father, I wish to avoid any possible scandal. The media has always loved my family, so meeting you in a confessional or inside the church would leave room for gossip but meeting out here removes speculation and with a bit of misleading body language, I can control what they assume.

I plead for your understanding, what I am about to tell you brings me no joy and that the smiles and laughs in between my confession, will simply be to mislead the media. In a month Rafiki and I will be tying the knot again, having our meeting here will keep the focus on the wedding and keep me out of scandal. Please understand and don't judge", I spoke with a smile and paused for a reaction.