No Strings

Part 9

It hurts to think about, but Jimin has felt this way about you for so long – loved you for so long – that Jimin does not have any idea what it would be like to feel differently.

He has never once considered the possibility you might love him back. Jimin is content with being your friend; even if he is in pain, it is worth it because it is his own damn fault you see him this way. By the time Jimin realized his feelings for you, he was too deep in the friend zone to be considered anything else.

Jimin thought about telling you several times but always reached the same, bitter conclusion. You saw him as a playboy, a fuck boy, a serial dater, someone physically incapable of monogamy and so, Jimin tried to date other women. He tried to be happy in other relationships, but it always came down to the same damn conclusion.

He cannot fall in love, not with you standing right there. And somehow, he cannot bear to remove you from his life.

Whenever he broke things off with other women, you would laugh. "Jimin," you would groan, shaking your head. "What exactly are you looking for? That girl was amazing!"

Jimin would just smile, pretending his heart was not in a pile on the floor. "I don't know," he would shrug. "She's just not... it."

What he would not say though, what he never said was the truth. She was not you.

When Jimin offered to have sex with you, it was selfish. It was selfish and wrong – Jimin pretended to be helping you, that it was nothing more than a favor when in actuality, he was insatiable. He still is. Jimin has been unable to think of anything but your touch, your body and you. When you kiss, when you respond to his touch – Jimin feels so ecstatic, he can hardly bear it.

Jimin inhales shakily. He thought he loved you before, thought he knew you before but now, you are a physical part of him. Now, he has been inside you, he knows your body as well as your soul and it is too much, it all is too much. Already, he has come so close to admitting to you how he feels.

There was that time in the bar, when he first saw you dancing with Sungmin. Or later on in his apartment, when Jimin took care of you drunk. Even last night, when you showed up at his door and kissed him like that. The only thing which kept Jimin from telling you his feelings were your rules. The ones which killed him to agree to, since Jimin knew he was already breaking the main one.

Exhaling again, Jimin lowers his head to his hands. He is an idiot. He thought last night meant something to you. He thought when you wrapped yourself around him like that, it meant you felt something more. Jimin thought when you said you did not like Sungmin, it meant that you liked him.

But no.

Opening his eyes, Jimin grabs his keys to shove them into his jeans.

Of course you would not want to date him. Jimin would not want to date him. You are so wonderful and good and Jimin is not. He is not good at all. In the five years you have known him, he has never once had a serious relationship. Partly because of you, Jimin supposes, but mostly because he has not been interested.

You should date a guy like Sungmin, or like Seokjin – sturdy and genial. Maybe someone like Namjoon – a calm intellectual. Not Jimin, never Jimin. Pushing open the door of the coffee shop, Jimin steps into the night. It is snowing outside, flakes drifting down to land on his face. When he glances sideways to where your car was parked, it is gone. You are gone.

Jimin looks up and down the street but, seeing nothing, turns away. Although he took the bus to get here, Jimin decides to walk home. He pushes his hands deep in his pockets and walks, ignoring the chill of the cold. Somewhat stupidly, Jimin did not bring a coat but the cold numbs his thoughts, which is a blessing in disguise.

It is only a few blocks to his apartment, but Jimin arrives gasping and shivering. His lips are faintly bluish walking in through the door. When Seokjin sees him, he jumps up from the sofa.

"Jimin?" Seokin crosses the room in concern. "What the...? What's wrong? Were you just..." He trails off, glancing at the door. "Outside?"

Jimin nods, barely remembering how to answer. "I, uh, needed to run to the store," he mutters, walking past. "Forgot to bring a jacket. Stupid mistake."

Seokjin stares after him, eyes wide. "That's – that's pretty dumb, Jimin. You should have come back in and grabbed a coat."

"Yeah." Jimin exhales, pausing in the frame of his door. "Jin," he says, glancing backwards. Tears brim in the corners of his eyes, but Jimin blinks these hastily away. "Do you really think there's someone out there for everyone?"

Seokjin seems confused. "Jimin," he says carefully. "What happened? Did someone say something to you?"

Jimin looks down, unable to keep eye contact. "No. It's just – ah, I don't know. It's been so long since I've dated anyone," he explains, still not looking at his roommate. "And it's been so long... since anyone wanted to date me."

Seokjin tilts his head to consider. "Nah," he says. "Impossible. Jimin, look. When you meet the right girl – she'll love you back."

"Maybe." Jimin runs a hand through his hair, pushing open the door to his room. "Or maybe not."

The door shuts behind him.