ozone // commentary crew oneshots

ashton kutcher's got nothing on you // will x alex

it was all the little things that began to annoy me. taking the piss out of my ratings habits, my mop of hair that had grown a bit too long (like you could talk, mr i-never-take-off-my-fucking-hat). so i got my hair cut short — making me look completely clapped. i'm going to have to do a george and start hiding my face in my videos.

i can't deny you're fit, and sometimes i find myself missing our pillow talk. your face will always light up the room for me when you enter it. all those boys we'd find in the cringy girl's magazines when we were younger that we'd joke about being attracted to, they're nothing compared to you.

we started to get on each other's nerves, every single nit picky thing we'd do. being nice would backfire. we didn't show my affection anymore. everyone thought we'd broken up already: we probably just weren't ready to let go of each other.

i so desperately wanted to be the perfect one for you, and you to be the one for me. we were like that in beginning. i loved everything about you, even when you pissed me off. it made you cuter in my eyes.

when we were teens and constantly denied that we would be great together to all our friends, it was probably because we were scared of becoming too perfect for each other. we weren't fucking gay, that was something to joke about with our mates.

to george and james it most likely seemed like we'd been eye-fucking each other for years by the time we finally got together. i dunno, i guess we had. there were so many times in secondary school when i looked at you and thought if i could. i'd deck you right then and there and fuck the shit out of you. now i'd probably just deck you.

come to think of it, we flirted a lot more than just mates. school was a drag, not to mention you were lowkey (highkey) terrible at most classes. we were always messing around and pissing off the teachers, and i couldn't count how many times we got in trouble together. that wall outside the headteacher's office became a pretty familiar place for us. that time we blamed each other for whatever bullshit we'd pulled in class and ended up having a shouting match in the corridor. i got so close to your face. i was so close to kissing you. i fucking would have if the door hadn't opened and we'd been called in. i remember you biting your lip at me as you quickly pulled away, just to tease me. dickhead. imagine if i'd gone into that office with a fucking hard-on.

our first kiss was two years after that. shit, i'd never been kissed so good. you gave me real shivers, like raindrops running down my back. you blushed after you pulled away, which i found endearing, but you swore that we would take it to our graves. will? caught blushing? after kissing a boy? your ego would never recover.

year 13 was our year. when people found out about us dating, i remember how scared you were. you almost cried — and you never, ever let anyone see you cry. after all your endless hours of worrying: "what the fuck, people are gonna clart us back inside our mothers," everyone was fine with it and thought we were cute. especially the straight girls, they couldn't get enough of it. james won his and george's twenty quid bet that we were shagging on the sly (even though my cherry was still very much intact at that point). we were prom king and king. all of that shit.

the first time you actually did cry in front of me, was the first time you broke my heart. a lot went wrong for you after we left school. your "stupid fucked up brain" as you called it had you locked up inside your own personal hell. what scared me is that as much as i tried, i couldn't do anything about it, and yet we still managed to pull through that winter.

that's what made it harder for me when it came to the end of us, the real end. the second (and last) time you broke my heart. we were so stupid. we annoyed each other to the breaking point. we were so solid for four years, been to hell and back together, and we broke up over a bunch of petty arguments.

it was definitely for the best though. now when we see each other we can joke about it, our relationship being something that neither of us would have traded for the world — and we both know that — but we can laugh about the shit it led to too.

i also laugh when i think about fucking you. not because you weren't good — you were definitely more experienced than me. i don't think i'll ever forget our first time. you looked so fucking beautiful that night. we'd gone out late at night on a drive thru mcdonald's date. not the most romantic of places, but we liked it and it sort of became our thing. we messed around in the virtually abandoned car park, chucking chips at each other whilst we sipped our budweiser's and being the absolute wankers that we were. the streetlights made you glow, as you continued to make me giggle every ten seconds. your classic hoodie and denim jacket combo looked extra hot that night — so hot that i was forced to take it off you when we got back to your parents' house. thank the lord that they were out that night. i don't think their ears would have been blessed, though according to you yours were.

starting our youtube channels together was another antic of ours. we never thought it would last. if you'd told us in year 13 that we would make a living off of bullying kids and watching oddly satisfying videos, we'd have told you to fuck off. we'd probably have jumped at the idea of it though. we were pretty fucking lazy.

except on nights out. you made those bloody hilarious, and everyone always wanted you to come. we had a solid circle of friends who pretended to hate that we were together, but most of them deep down were hoping they'd be attending our wedding one day. i think they especially liked us being together because we weren't afraid to make fools of ourselves. i adored playing the irrefutably in-love couple with you (though we didn't have to play at it then). fucking icons we were.

i do wish it hadn't turned sour after we started getting big on youtube. i can't believe i'm admitting this, but i guess i did direct some jealousy towards you down to your faster growth. "sorry people think i'm funnier than you mate," you said. prick.

i took on extra work at that time, and i was completely inundated after a few months. i took it out on you with snide or blunt comments which you handled well at the start, not so well as you realised it wasn't going to stop for a fair while.

your parents didn't like me. my parents didn't like you. it was that way right from the start. constantly getting into trouble together, they thought we were a bad influence on each other. it's just how we were. they didn't like us when we were together, probably because they realised they were wrong. there was a time when no one better for either one of us could have possibly come along. we were actually fucking perfect.

and then one day you told me our relationship was like a fruit pastille ice lolly. i thought you were referencing my fondness of blowjobs, until you elaborated.

"it's like, it starts off sweet with the purple at the top — obviously everyone's second favourite flavour. and then you go down and it's nice, even though the lime is a bit gross, and then you get to the red, which is clearly the best flavour, and everything is going great. that's it, you've peaked. and then after that there's the lemon at the bottom. and you realise that the lemon was running through it all along, and at the end you're just stuck with a big lump of it. and that's when it turns sour. and there's no red afterwards to save you."

what the fuck was i meant to say to that will? i think we had a chuckle and carried on with our day, in limbo between the red and the yellow.

as we began to acknowledge we were reaching the lemon stage, it really did turn to shit.

i wanted so much for will and alex to never end. i know you did too. an infinite red section on the fruit pastille ice lolly. it really did leave us both broken.

sorry i annoyed you. i'm sorry you annoyed me.

i did love you will. fuck, i still do. but jesus we aren't compatible.

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a/n: kinda got lost inside that fruit pastille analogy didn't i lmaooo