Welcome to the Kims

7.

"Is everything alright?" I asked, sounding more concerned now, tightening the grip around his arm, not-so-secretly wishing that he would finally turn around and face me, so I could wipe off all those tears and erase the worries he seemed to drown in from his mind.

"Joonie..." I now whispered gently.

And the tension he was holding eased.

The bed sheets ruffled as he curled himself together, but he wasn't turning around.

"Have you ever loved someone?" He asked, quietly, almost unsure, afraid of my answer.

A slight laughter bubbled up my throat, even though I was scared to death. This conversation could end us up anywhere.

It could be a proposal, or a break up. I had no idea, Other than that he was crying and it was slowly and painfully crushing my heart.

I would deliberately break up with him, just to get rid of his sorrow, even though I would most likely drown in my own.

"Yes. Silly" I grinned dumbly, playing it down, while my heart rate was picking up tremendously, passing every allowed speed limit.

"I love each and every single one of our kids to their last particle of existence and beyond. I love my parents and my brother, even though they are kind of shitty, I loved- and still love- my passed wife, but I love you more. I love you." I confessed, gulping hard at that last sentence.

If he would really reject me now, it would hurt so much more. I felt so vulnerable in front of him right now.

My heart was on the line. Raw, without walls and coatings.

He could save it or butcher it to teeny tiny pieces. There was no in between.

"Have you ever loved someone so much that you have to cry because of them?" He continued further in a tiny voice, as if he didn't hear my statement.

To say I was confused now, was an understatement.

So I just blurted out a simple "huh?", that, in my opinion, summed up the situation pretty well.

"Have you ever loved someone so much, felt so much gratitude towards them, that you simply had the urge to cry, because you are so thankful for them? And at the same time, you realize all your mistakes and wrongdoings and regret them? Feeling like you failed and disappointed the people who would give up anything for you, and they just overlook it and spoil you further and love you unconditionally? Do you ever feel that, Jinnie?" He asked, now turning around to face me.

His eyes were big and full of wonder, but also full of sadness.

"I-" I started but stopped myself.

Have I ever?

Have I ever truly felt like that? Shedding tears of pure gratitude and endless love for someone, terribly afraid of disappointing them, ready to catch a bullet for them?

Well, I would catch a bullet for Namjoon and our kids. That was out of question. I would immediately give my life to save them.

I wouldn't ever want them to suffer.

But did I ever cry about that, in the middle of the night?

Did I ever cry out of pure love and admiration for my parents, wanting only the best for them, hoping that they won't ever struggle and they live a long and happy life?

I don't know.

I honestly didn't know.

"I feel so terribly sorry that they suffered and did so much for me and that they still are going through their hardships but smile on in order to make me happy. That they still spoil me, trying to make my life as good as possible even though I am an adult for quite a while now, I was married, had three kids, went through a divorce, met my male soulmate, moved with him to a whole other country on the other side of the world and have five kids now. They accepted everything. They love me. They want me to be happy and support me. They don't tell me that they're sad not meeting their grandchildren often now... I feel so terrible, and I- I can't even repay for what they did for me, for what they still are doing for me and-" he started to ramble.

"Hey buddy, stop right there." I gently answered, turning him around fully and hugged him tightly to me.

He was so pure.

"I know it may sound as if I am exaggerating. For oneself it always sounds like sweet little lies to make the other feel better. But believe me when I say that you are a gorgeous, marvellous human being. They have every right to support you, because you deserve all the support in the world. Yes, you may have imperfections. Yes, you have a few things that annoy me, but you are trying and doing your best. That makes you so admirable. So loveable. So unbelievably real and perfect." I said, slowly cradling my hand through his soft hair, while he himself drowned himself in my warmth.

"But, I am not perfect. I made so many mistakes! I swear, other people would have just gone mad if they would have had a son like me and..."

"And your parents are perfectly fine and unbelievable happy to have a son like you. And that is the only thing that really counts, Joon. Stop welling in all those possibilities that won't ever happen, I know you have a tendency to do so, but that restrains you from appreciating every moment you live to the fullest." I lectured him further, having non of his self-doubt at all. Not tonight.

My scratchy, sore throat was long forgotten as I held him close and sniffed his scent, that smelled an awful lot like the kids bubblegum-shampoo.

I disregarded the fact as well as I could and I managed to simmer down my curiousity that bubbled up like hot water, wondering, if he used it on purpose (like the big baby he was) or if it was an accident.

My bets were on the first possibility.

I, at least, knew him this much already.

Silence lulled us into a state of delirial semi-sleep, as we both stared holes into the air, not thinking, just purely existing next to each other.

"I love you, too, you know?" Joon's sleepy voice now broke the silence and let a small but happy smile magically dance over my lips.

He then yawned, and my heart was filled with nothing but adoration for the man right in front of me.

He then shifted, and all of a sudden, I was laying on my belly, my chin resting on his stomach.

"Hi there", he grinned, lopsided, his eyes already drowsy with sleep.

"Hi" I answered, nestling my head into his shirt, not planning to leave this perfect position any time soon.

There had to be a severe thunderstorm to get me away from him right now, and with severe thunderstorm I mean our boys killing each other.

But they were peacefully sleeping,  just like we should too.

"I'm just a bit disappointed that you didn't cry because you love me so much" I teased him, while I could feel myself getting lightheaded.

"I love you very much and I could cry out of gratefulness every time I see you. Just like the boys. You are my family, Jinnie" Namjoon mumbled, almost inaudible as his arm lazily hugged mi back, resting in between my shoulder blades and his other hand found it's way into my hair.

"I love you. I love you, Jinnie. Really. I love. Love you" his words now sounded jumbled as he drifted off to sleep until the sounds merged into soft snoring, a small smile and a cozy warmth spread in me, as I nuzzled my head in Namjoon's shirt, fisting the fabric tightly, hoping that no one would cry anymore tonight. I wanted them all happy and content.

Happy and content, and Joonie loves me.

With those words swirling, dancing in my mind, I finally fell asleep again, the reason why I woke up, long forgotten and left in the past.

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Update!
After a felt decade! I am so terribly sorry and I hope you can forgive me!
Also... help! I changed the fonts somehow (on my phone) and now I can't switch it back! I am terribly with technology! Really!

Anyway! Thanks for readinf! I hope you all have a great week!

All the love,

Chrissy~