Strings Attached

CHAPTER TWENTY

A distant thought formed itself in my mind and I couldn't breathe because there was nowhere for me to run and hide from the ugly truth that demanded to be acknowledged by every inch of my being. There were no words or excuses I could use to sugarcoat the consequences of my sin and convince myself there would be an easy way out of this. What I used to deem as blurry and complicated, now appeared so simple and crystal clear. I had taken Isabelle's virginity by force. I was her rapist. I was the man who'd scarred her permanently and was now only causing more damage. After what I'd read, I knew it would take much more than sweet talking and a onetime of gentle love-making to fix this. There was a scary possibility that I might never be able to make her forgive and forget, but I had to try. I didn't deserve her, but I couldn't give up on her without a fight. Everything inside of me refused to credit even the faintest thought of having to live without her despite the fact that I knew it was fucked up and beyond selfish.  

The information I'd sought out left me so disturbed that I couldn't go back to work and I did something I hadn't done in months—I took a day off. I called Emily and told her to take over the last preparations for Las Vegas and arrange them in any way she possibly could. Then, I turned off my laptop and poured myself a glass of whiskey. For what felt like hours, I sat in the silence of my office, slowly sipping the alcohol that burned my throat. All the while, I was trying to come up with a plan and some semblance of peace and I wasn't getting anywhere far.

It was already late afternoon when I reemerged from my office. As I walked to the master bedroom, I glanced out the window and saw Isabelle walking to the garden with a book in her hands. Tortured by the very sight of her, I froze and gazed out the window. She was wearing a long off white summer dress with a floral print. Her light blonde hair was loose and it glowed with the brilliance of liquid gold. Breathtaking...Beautiful...She crossed paths with the gardener and smiled at him, saying something polite that made the man smile back at her with a warm expression. Blood boiled in my veins and a veil of blackness enveloped my heart because I was jealous of the attention she had bestowed on the fucking gardener. What do I have to do to make you smile at me like that, angel? As she disappeared from his sight, the man remained staring after her like he was mesmerized by both her and her lack of entitlement. I almost felt sympathy for him. Isabelle had that effect on people...a certain je ne sais quoi that was just there whether you liked it or not. When she entered a room, the effect she created resembled that of the sun that cleared its way through the gloomy clouds. Only a fool like me could have stayed oblivious to it for such a long time. Isabelle truly was an angel given into the devil's care and her kindness was her worse enemy because she never stood a fucking chance against a bastard like me. The thought that she kept thinking about the brutal way in which I'd taken her virginity made my black heart...bleed for her, but it did nothing to alter my feelings. I wanted her more than I wanted anything else in life and she was the one thing that I could not have.

As I watched her gracious moves until she disappeared from my sight, I knew there would never be another woman who'd made me feel this way. Only Isabelle. And I didn't care what it took. She was the sun I revolved around and I had to keep her by my side.

When I entered the bedroom, I had decided to collect my things beforehand and make myself ready in one of the guest rooms because I didn't want to disturb Isabelle. Apart from the fact that she might have been upset about what had happened the previous night, I could imagine she wasn't looking forward to attending this party with me tonight. Even though I couldn't spare her from her obligation to accompany me, I intended to make sure she was comfortable and treated with respect—especially in my father's presence.

After taking a shower and putting on a charcoal grey suit which had been custom made for this occasion, my eyes froze on the bottle of the expensive cologne I had been using ever since I could remember. There hadn't been a single time I'd left the house without spraying some of it on my clothes. The thought was almost appalling, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the idea that it'd cause my wife distress. The same moment I remembered her nightmares, I reached out for the bottle and threw it in the trash. I'd be damned if I added one more bad experience to the list of sins I had to make up for to Isabelle.