The Emerald Thief - Merlin BBC [1]

Chapter 16: Bloodbound Secrets

I don't want to change completely, lose myself in a new life. I don't want everything that makes me me disappear. I don't want to live a lie. I don't want to live in a Castle, knowing the man who ruled before and raised Arthur would have been disgusted by who and what I am. I'm not a pretty pink princess. I have never been. I never will be.

I don't want to let myself hope that maybe I could fit in. No. I don't want that because then it would be all too real. And what if, after it all, Arthur decides I have done too much wrong? What if I'm shunned for the magic I process?

"I-I need a-a moment", I slur, already pulling my hands from Arthur's. My feet pull me to the door with my crowded thoughts.

"But-wait!" Arthur calls, quickly turning to follow me.

The wind of his hand reaching out for me brushes my arm. "Let her go, Arthur. She needs time."

I don't hear any more as I jog down the hallway, the dress restricting me, but I don't care. Tears start to stream down my face as I make for my room, vision blurry. No one will see me as Percival's party is still commencing.

I have tried to live everyday life in peace, but this isn't what I wanted. I've wondered what my parents would be like all my life questioned their reasons for giving me up. Now I've learned it all in one night.

My father was Uther Pendragon. He hated magic and therefore was disgusted by my existence. His wife, my mother, was killed giving birth to me. I have a brother whose life I have saved twice now but never knew because of what I was. What I am.

The door to my room comes into view at the end of the hallway.

Arthur wants to act like nothing ever happened, commence life as if I've been here all along. Turn me into something I'm not. Agravaine already hates me enough, that god awful man turning out to be my uncle! What if he's the one who shuns me? What if he convinces Arthur to dispose of me? Even if I wanted to be accepted, it wouldn't matter. I've always known I'd cause more trouble here than I was worth. I was better off in the life I had before.

I burst through the door, slamming and locking it behind myself. I bury my face in my hands as the sobs wrack through my body. My thoughts run so fast I can't breathe.

There's a small part of me, deep inside, that wants to talk with Arthur, find out what we've missed from each other's lives. To create a relationship to try and have some family. But a more assertive voice makes me too frightened to think about it. I've only ever looked after myself, never cared enough about anyone to get emotional. I was willing to make new friends create a new life, but this was too much for me.

I rush into the room, untying the back of my dress as I make way to the wardrobe containing my belongings.

Arthur is better off without me. Everyone in Camelot is better off with me gone. I've made too many friends here to put them in a position to seem weak for helping a commoner and taking in one as the royal family, even after all the wrong I've done. No, I respect Arthur and his men too much for that. Arthur will see that once he's allowed himself time to think, he'll see the truth. He'll understand why I left, and possibly that'll fill him with some of the anger I feel.

I know that a life I was never built for will be forced upon me if I stay. There will be more expectations of me, and no doubt Arthur will wish to give me everything I've missed. I would become someone I'm not. I don't want this.

I had so many theories and made up lives of who my 'parents' were. I was better off being left in those dreams and in those fantasies rather than learning that my true father was a monster. I could live here under Arthur's rule...but now I'm going to be part of that world. I would rather die than be called Uther Pendragon's daughter.

I strip off the dress, being delicate with it as I place it on the bed. I pull off the underdress, now completely naked, as I rush for the clothes I usually wear. The cold air doesn't affect my mindset on getting out of here. I don't waste any time pulling my clothes on.

My mind is already made up. I'm leaving. I don't belong here, and I never did. I will do what I know best, and that's run from my problems. To leave them with someone else so that I won't have to feel the consequences or have the emotional strain. That's what I want. That's what I crave. To feel nothing again, to not be burdened by the consequences.

I'll become restricted once again. Maybe I'll go back to the druids. They'll take me back in. At least then I'll have someone wise to talk to, instructing me on what path is best to take. I've come too far to fall back into old habits, but I'm not ready to be a King's sister. That is too much for me.

Now fully dressed, I pull all my belongings out of the wardrobe, packing only what I'll need for the road. I leave all the things Merlin had gotten for me, hoping he'll sell them to get something he needs. I fasten my sword, quiver and bow onto myself without falt as I make for the door. I won't allow myself to think this through, knowing I'll probably stop myself from going if I do.

That's when the thought crosses my mind. If I'm to run, I need money of some sort. If I want to disappear, make it seem as if I've never existed, I'm going to need money to bribe people. Or at least get something of use that could help me escape.

I pull the flowers Gwen had put in my hair out, placing them on the table as I rush for the door. I sprint down the hallway, now in my comfortable clothing. I push any thoughts from my mind, sinking back into my old habits easily. Luckily everyone is still attending the party, only a few guards on watch. This is the perfect night to slip away.

"The stone is of great value. I would be willing to pay in great sum."

The words echo in my mind, bringing me to a halt.

"...but if you change your mind, do deliver the order to a little cottage to the western valleys of the White Mountains."

Allister's request fills in the gaps in my mind, pushing out the emotions I don't want to face. In my heart, I know I shouldn't do it. I know I've come too far to fall back off the face of self-growth, but I need an escape from my current situation. I need money. I need allies. I need an emotional escape.

My mind wanders to the volts below where I stand. My inner demons strive on the idea, playing in my mind, urging me on, giving so many reasons to do so. Only a few positive lingering voices catch my attention, begging for me to leave, not to make the situation worse.

I wouldn't have to steal ever again. This would set me up for my escape. It'd help me step on the path to losing those feelings that make me so guilty. I'd leave this short-lived life behind and the life before that. It'd be like killing the old Edythe and leaving a new path for me.

The positive voices lose to the negative demons deep down.