The Greener Pasture

Episode 1 - Discerning myself

I had started feeling that I too was "existent". I knew the people around, I knew my mother, father, paternal grandparents, (Thatha - Thathi) paternal uncle, (Chaappa) maternal aunt (Śobha Chitthi) and maternal grandparents.  Much of my baby (mis)adventures I could relate to - like once peeing in my paternal grandfather's (thatha's) open mouth as he held me up with his hands raised. I don't know what happened next, but narrations by my family are hilarious. They used to remind me regarding that even then, perhaps that is why I have a memory of that rather exceptional event in my mind. I had barely begun to talk. I don't know my age; have just crossed 2 years I think. (I don't think memory before that age has any likelihood to survive, hence) The word Chithappa for uncle was too harsh on my little tongue. I made it Chaappa, and it sounded just good. Thatha and Thathi, Chappa and Appa, Ammai and of course, Sobha Chithi.

I was mostly a silent kid, I would sit long with my thoughts, in my own world.

One of my first memories go like this. I knew I was going for a very long journey in train. All I remember was that when I opened eyes amidst the sleep, I could see reddish brown coaches in some station. Parents were with me. They were talking about going Madras to attend a family function. I clearly had no idea about what the function was or what this all was. I never used to think about them. I sat, peeping through windows.  I was just more than two years old. In Madras, I saw some scenes at some wedding or so. Later after some years, I thought these memories could have been from a previous birth or a very old dream, but when I narrated this, my mother indeed confirmed me that the Madras trip was real. All I remember now is on the journey returning, (or staying there?) we were walking through a street with some sodium vapour lamps. I was with amma, and appa was walking front. I remember once returning, it was on a day time, and I perhaps first noted the intricacies of our drawing room in the upper floor of Tiruvalla home. (Lower floor was where uncle and grandparents stayed) Everything felt bright and distinct, clear and succinct. I knew I had started discerning everything.

Some time before, Sobha Chithi's wedding happened. I might have been around two. All I know is the dreadful trip. I understood that my body wasn't prepared for trips in buses or cars, I had terrible motion sickness. Later this would be such a nuisance in my life, and now thankfully, I can manage much of the trips provided they are short enough.  This also paved way for my affection for train, as train trip was so comfortable.

Other than the home at Tiruvalla, I knew of the home at Trivandrum - home of my mother where maternal grandparents were. My mother used to call me chakku those times, and I started calling her back chakku. In order to distinguish from Thatha, I named maternal grandfather "Chakku Thatha". I knew my name was Kiran or Kiru or some fancy version of it, as Chappa or Thathi would call sometimes playfully. This short lived pet name "Chakku", perhaps I thought, was something I needed to call my mom back, as she called me that apparently.  Nevertheless, seeing the turn of events, Mom stopped calling me that and continued with Kiran, which she does till today.  Chappa says I used to poke myself and ask "Kaappi veṇamā" ("Do you want coffee") in front of him to mean "I need coffee", in the beginning days of my speech. I believed in reciprocity, it seems.  Funny.  

Thathi and Thatha used to tell me many stories.  Some old traditional stories for children, some nonsensical playful "stories", and stories of Krishna.  Amma used to sing me lullabies.  Appa used to play with me.  Chappa was my best pal.   I was the king of the house till my brother was born.  I was pampered much and loved the most.    I loved the filter coffee too much.  Maybe it is in the TamBrahm genes to love filter coffee.   Coffee was valued, like in any Iyer home, in mine too.   Thathi used to prepare some fried items like vada or chips to eat with coffee in morning and evening.   As a toddler, I was often given three or four chips in my hand and coffee in a tiny steel tumbler.   Whereas the elders got a proper steel tumbler full of coffee and chips in a plate - a luxury which I being a very small kid, couldn't afford.   I liked all of fried items, but I didn't like eating the inside of the lentil vada.  I used to nicely peel the crisp outer crust and eat, and give the inside portion to Thathi.  She would eat it.

In those days, the songs from Bombay, "Oo la la la", the song "Mukkala Mukkabla" and "Chal Chaiyya chaiyya" were just released, and were in the TV.  I had noted those.  I used to hum some.  I found that I could sing sufficiently enough to meet my expectations.

I had also learned that my mom was to give me a sibling.  I remember I used to be constantly asked by Thathi and Chappa quite funnily, "Ambi veṇamā, Aṅkichi veṇamā" ("Do you want a brother - ambi - or a sister - aṅkichi"?).   For me, I never knew then how having a sibling would be like.   I noticed just the words.  I still remember how awkward I found the word aṅkichi.  That turned me off in the first place itself.  It was a word I couldn't pronounce by listening in one pace.  I decided and told them "Antikichi veṇḍā" (I don't need this antikichi).   Every time they playfully asked me this, I used to tell "Antikichi veṇḍā".   What else could you expect from a two year old?

I remember I went with mother to Trivandrum that year, as our families traditionally have the females stay in their homes before delivery.   Trivandrum was another world.  The old house in an agrahāram in the heart of city.   I noticed water drain passing through the side of road in the street.  All used to trick me that this drain in Trivandrum street would connect with the rivulet channel (Toḍu) behind our house in Tiruvalla.  But I was skeptical.  I would not be tricked easily.   I used to sit on back of Chakku Thatha as he would be lying bending forward.  He had several physical issues, resulting from his childhood polio and resultant scoliosis.  So was thathi in Tiruvalla, who was at a higher stage of Rheumatoid Arthritis.  But both these people taught me in life to never mind the deformity, and instead live life happy each moment.

 One day, apparently Amma was taken to hospital, and when I enquired Ammamma (my maternal grandmother) she said "Amma is going to get injection".   It sounded scary and complex for me.  I decided not to poke my nose in that again.  Eventually I did go to the hospital with ammamma and we waited outside the room.  I remember the nurse came out and gave me a brown Eclairs chocolate.  I had got a brother.  For some more days we stayed there before returning to Tiruvalla.   I remember we had a hell load of luggage to carry in train.  Now I had started loving trains, partially because trains were comfortable for a motion-sick myself.  Buses or cars weren't.  

Train journey was refreshing that time.  We had started early morning.  As it turned morning, we reached Tiruvalla.  Since then, I had started preserving memories of all events in my mind.  At times, I would recollect everything just to be in those wonderful times again.   As I do now.