Puppy Love (bxb)

Chapter Nineteen

Declan munched on a chip and flipped off the TV. "Why is he so hot? Who gave him that right," he grumbled.

Henry, Declan, and I were all watching Jane the Virgin and eating snack foods. Declan sat in between us, practically inhaling everything we put in front of him.

He also occasionally threw darts at the picture of Andrew we had behind the TV.

Declan's best strategy for getting over a man were to eat crappy food and watch sappy television shows. So Henry and I indulged him.

"Dude, Raphael is so not cute compared to Michael," I argued. "He's like...kind of an asshole."

Henry made an appalled noise. "An asshole? Michael is the asshole, not Raphael."

"Exactly!" Declan said, and I took a brief moment to reflect on why my best friend and boyfriend weren't on my side. They were traitors. "Michael's an asshole, but he also has that good guy reputation...which is so lame."

Henry shot Declan a confused look. "I like good guys better than bad guys."

Declan opened his mouth to probably disagree, but then he deflated a little. "Well, shit. A bad guy didn't work out so well for me, so I should get off my soap box."

I handed him my beer.

Declan accepted it with a grunt and downed it in two seconds.

Henry and I shared an awed look. "That was...quick," Henry mumbled.

Declan shrugged. "He hurt me! Alcohol heals my soul. ...Am I dumb for feeling hurt? I dated the guy for three seconds total."

I said no at the exact same time Henry said yes.

Declan slapped Henry's arm. "Mean! Why yes?"

Henry shrugged and patted Declan's shoulder. "He's not worth your sadness. Andrew is scum."

Declan leaned his head onto Henry's shoulder. "Dillon told me he broke up with you because you have a small dick. That sucks, man."

Henry sputtered. "Dillon?! I don't even have a small dick! Andrew has high expectations."

"Sorry, the way you told the story kind of implied that you do," I pointed out, leaving out the fact that he immediately told me his dick size after the fact.

"Either way," Declan sighed, patting Henry's leg. "He hurt you more than he hurt me. I shouldn't be moping."

"It's not a competition!" I patted Henry's leg too. "Just because Henry has an unfortunate dick size, doesn't mean—"

"Okay, it's time for me to head out," Henry scoffed, but Declan and I held him in place.

"I was joking!" I whined. Declan was cackling beside us.

"Obviously he was kidding, Henry boy," Declan sighed. He dropped an obnoxiously sexual look at Henry's crotch. "No way a man your size actually has a small dick. I'm sure you're packing."

I'd never seen Henry blush as hard as he did then. "You're terrible. You're both terrible. Stop harassing me about my dick size... I'm never opening up about past break ups again."

Declan whined and shook his arm, definitely a little bit tipsy. "Why, honey? We like it when you open up to us."

"Nope. Sorry, I'm going to go back to being cold and distant."

"No!" I objected. "Goddamn, I went through like half a million Buzzfeed pages to get you out of your shell the first time. I'm pretty sure I've used every baking pick up line that exists."

Declan snorted and some beer came out of his nose. "I can't believe you used pick up lines on him, Dil. How did that even work?"

I wiggled my shoulders sassily and grinned. "It's the Dillon Dream, baby. Every gay guy around me can feel the aura radiating off of me like tiny rainbows."

Henry sighed and grabbed a fistful of chips. "Moments like that makes me wonder why I decided to go out with such a dork."

I attacked him with my fiercest weapon: a bowl of chips.

"Hey!" Declan protested. "My couch! Clean that, Dillon!"

Henry glared at me, his entire head covered in potato chips. "You're dramatic."

Well. He wasn't wrong.

Declan's phone ringing interrupted my dramatic behavior. We all just kind of stared at it for a beat too long. Then Declan, blinking out of his drunken haze, picked it up off the table and gasped. "Men. It's him."

"Don't answer it," I snapped. I half wanted to grab Declan's phone and throw it.

"He's going to beg for you to come back to him," Henry snorted. "That's what he does. He seems all innocent too. Don't believe him."

Declan answered the phone and Henry and I facepalmed. Declan slapped Henry's arm halfheartedly. "Hello? Andrew?"

Henry and I couldn't hear what the guy was saying, but made a face and mockingly mimicked talking. Henry laughed and Declan slapped his arm again.

"You want me back?" Declan asked, voice filled with hope.

Henry and I both groaned and I collapsed back on the couch in defeat.

"Well GUESS WHAT," Declan snapped. "I will NOT get back together with a selfish, slimy, nasty, ugly, douchebag such as yourself. You are gross, too old for me, and you have a SMALL PENIS."

Declan hung up and tossed his phone onto a pillow.

"Ayy!" I cheered. "You tell him, babe!"

We hugged and Declan grinned for the first time since Andrew had dumped him. "I'm too good for that asshole," Declan scoffed.

"You said he has a small penis," Henry said, sounding a little emotional. "Thank you."

"No problem, man." And then they were hugging. "It really wasn't all that impressive."

"Exactly!"

We might have been more than tipsy.

"Alright, I'm proposing a plan," Declan declared. "Why on earth are we eating chips—wait, were eating chips, thanks Dillon—when we have an amazing baker right here? I propose that we drive to Henry's bakery, get some amazing chocolate cake, and then we absolutely devour it."

"I'm down," I agreed.

Henry made a face. "That's my income."

"Get over it, handsome." Declan waved him off. "I need fancy cake in my belly ASAP."

Henry groaned, but he didn't argue. Which is how the three of us ended up in an Uber driving down to Henry's bakery just to devour some of his delicious chocolate cake. At the end of the night, Henry and I collapsed on the couches and fell asleep to the sound of Declan throwing darts at Andrew's face.