The Way We Almost Were ✓

65| before i go

"Bree?" Nick spoke softly, and then kissed her temple. "Talk to me."

"I don't really know what you want me to say, Nick," Bree responded in an unsteady voice. She really sounded like she might start crying any minute and Nick wanted to kick himself for putting her in this position.

He didn't have a clue what it must be like in her shoes -- for her to put all her love and faith in a person who constantly kept proving he was a flight risk.

But it was going to be different this time. Nick needed to make her see that.

"I'm not them, Bree," he murmured, unwrapping his arms from around her waist and slowly turning her around to face him. He took her face in his hands. "I'm not your dad. I'm not Hayden." His kissed her nose. "I'm not going to leave you behind."

Bree blinked hard and looked away, nibbling on her lower lip.

"I've almost lost you too many times," she said, her voice breaking. "It's like I'm always standing at this harbour, dreading for a ship to leave. And you happen to be on that ship, Nick." She shrugged helplessly. "I almost lost you that day when the fight broke out in the Quake and they had to take you down to the station. I almost lost you when Michael showed up out of the blue on the doorstep of your dorm."

Bree's eyes were pained as she spoke, "Every morning that I open my eyes, there's this first few seconds of peace and pure bliss. Just those few seconds where nothing registers in my mind but the fact that I'm awake... And then it hits me -- everything. This whole reality that we live in. And just like that, all the fear and doubt come back. It's like that itch you can't reach. And it's forever there in the back of my mind, where I wonder if today's the day you say goodbye for good."

"Bree," Nick knitted his brows together, pinning her with his intense gaze. "I'm not saying goodbye."

"Can you give me your word though?" Bree drilled, returning his burning gaze. "Can you promise me that this is it? That we can be together for good from now on? Because until you can swear on it, I'll be treating every night that we part ways as the last night I might get to spend with you. Each time we kiss goodnight and separate, I'll be asking myself if I'm going to wake up the next morning to a world where you're not a part of my life. And I don't think you get how that eats away at me, Nick." She took his face in her hands and leaned into him. "I love you, of course I do. But this is a slow death, Nick. It's killing me and you're not seeing it."

Nick stared at her, at an utter loss for words himself. His eyes searched her face, as if he'd find the answers he wanted there.

"You never told me this before," Nick said, his words slow and his tone measured.

"I didn't think I'd ever need to," Bree confessed, stroking his chin. "I thought everything would have a final solution, and that we could get to having a normal life. I didn't think that even after the arrests and dismantling of the cartel there would still be risks."

"Bree, I--" Nick started but was cut off.

"I'm not upset with you," Bree mumbled, and kissed his cheek. "I'm just... upset. That's it."

Bree let out a breath, and slipped her arms around Nick, resting her head against his chest and shutting her eyes.

Nick couldn't shut his eyes though, and he remained there, his hands loosely returning the embrace as his mind traveled some place far from here.

Silence had fallen on them, but it was in that deafening quietness that the words Nick didn't say echoed the loudest. They were both thinking it, but neither of them addressed it -- that Nick hadn't given his word, hadn't sworn on it, hadn't made the promise.