COMPATIBLE INDIFFERENCE

Chapter 13

I drew a deep breath and went to get my bag. I pulled out a few bills and laid it on the bar. I looked at his rigid friend closely and remembered where I saw him. It was at Tom's doctorate graduation. Leo, his roommate throughout college. Tom kept asking if I can sit down so we can talk. I brushed him off and continued walking out of the pub.

Stopping by the light post in the alley, I waited for a cab. Tom followed me and held my hand. "Sam, let's talk. Please." I shook off his hand and started walking away. My insides were shaking. "No, Jacobs. I need to go home. Right now." Turning around the corner, we passed by the city park. Tom decidedly pulled me over to an empty bench overlooking the children's fountain. He released my hand as he sat down and gestured me to follow. I stared at him neither icily nor angry, but a look void of emotion. What could happen? I sat beside him.

Silence. At this moment, the air is filled with the tension we once had. I think it's time for Tom to bravely tread our odd history and he did. "We have never been friends in high school. I was actually furious at you. This sounds presumptuous but I have never been beaten all my life. That race was my one last race in camp because that's my final year. I've won all those since I was 7 but you came. Then you sauntered in our homeroom making me remember the loss that I wish to forget. What a twist of fate. I get to see you everyday lounging over your desk, writing notes absently, listening to your iPod shuffle while staring out the window yet acing the quiz altogether. You were doing it without breaking a sweat, whereas I was huddled in my room every night, poring over mountains and mountains of books. I despised you." He paused as he stared at the dancing waters.

Wow, he loathed me. Yes, he infuriated me in high school but truth be told, I never abhorred him. My reactions in the past were projected on how he looked at me. I kept on wondering how can one person hate someone so much just because of losing. It didn't matter to me but it did to him. Do I tell him my nightly journey with all the books I can get and the lengthy lectures and educational podcasts my ears were tired of? I glanced at my former nemesis. Another, wow. I've never seen him so lonely. His eyes were filled with the utmost regret.

"I'm sorry, Sam. I know that anger was not in the right place and I didn't know how to handle it then." Memories of my gloomy high school life flashed like Barry Allen. I had fun most of the time in Walter High and that's because of my girls, but before fishing Totoro out of his prison, it was not a pretty picture.

"You can't expect to win every time. You're smart enough to know about that. That anger was definitely in the wrong place. I was a lowkey nerd but when your crowd finally spotted our secret competitions, I was the icing on their cake. Yeah, don't give me that surprised look Jacobs, it's not comforting. It's already enough that they criticized my jeans, my short hair, and my absence of friends but when they called me 'a trying hard humbug', it was definitely not cool."

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I... I never knew."

"Of course, you didn't know. Even when everybody knows that you hated bullying, do you think it never happened when you're out of sight? The only consolation was that they didn't physically hurt me. They disperse when I'm around but when you hear stuff that you shouldn't, it shutters you. Thanks to the girls I met during Christmas break, it died down. Or probably, I ignored it. I found my own crowd. I nursed back what's left of my ego."

My head was definitely spinning not only from the beer but from too much information I shared. I rested my head on the bench. I saw Tom moved as he rubbed his hands across his face. I felt sorry for opening a can of worms, but he has to know the kind of people he hung out with in high school. I grabbed a bottle of water I always carry in my bag. It's going to be a long night.

"High school is a paragon of the real world. It's how it was supposed to be. We can't erase a habitual behavior that's been going on since Eve ate the apple from that tree. It prominently began in school and becomes an epidemic thereafter. Even adults can not manage it. That's how I conveniently became a psychologist."

He smiled a little but his eyes were cloudy with emotions. I looked at him, encouraging him to continue his second dose of truth. He threw out a loud sigh. To gain courage, perhaps. He looked at me apologetically.

"College came. Everybody was competitive but it was boring. On the first day of class, I was seated at my usual place then I saw someone sitting on the same spot you normally take. There, I completely realized you were no longer in the same school as I was. You have always been sitting at the same corner of the room. Mindless of your tall height, you have marked that front seat with your name on it. I missed your cold back and your snootiness."

"Internet skyrocketed, Leo discovered AIM. He joined a chatroom named Maniac Geeks. He was inviting me to join but I refused. Until I happen to see your username when I peered over his computer, sirius_peeves. It was almost the same with your high school online username, sirius_dharts. But I have to confirm, so we checked your profile and I saw what you wrote: "Run. Run while you can." It was definitely you. He jokingly told me to create an account and prank you. It sounded interesting. So, I signed up for it with the intention of..." He trailed off, unsure of what to say.

"I was young and immature. When you finally told me that the chats were all part of your research, I laughed pathetically. I got played on my own trick. So I wanted to tell you who I was but never got the guts. When we can no longer be online at the same time and switched to emails, our conversations became longer. I got to know you better. Though we said to not divulge anything personal, we both know that we shared more than what strangers are supposed to." I agree with him. We shared everything personal except our names, our degrees, and our families. Only that, he actually knew everything.

"I felt like we've crossed the barrier of strangers. So, I decided to personally congratulate you on your graduation. You never changed. You're still the same, spunky girl back in high school. And the rest is history." I shifted in my seat to see him better. "No, tell me about the rest, Jacobs. Why didn't you tell me the truth back then? Why didn't the emperor contacted me after but responded three years in between?

He cringed while telling me the rest of the story. "When you shrugged off your curiosity and apprehension at The Dish, I thought that emperor_frost should disappear. We became normal friends and that's way better than the virtual world we had. When Leo went back to New York after three years, we met over drinks and he brought it up. He asked if I told you the truth and I said no. His words bugged me so I drafted a message to confess but ended up trashing it. The pathetic me just emailed you like how I used to. When I eventually moved back here, every day became torture of whether when I should tell you. I just couldn't find the right timing."

Like Atlas dumping the whole world on him, he leaned on his knees. I stared at the back of his head for a while. Trying to brush off the cold night, I stood up and walked to the fountain. He followed me. I turned around and looked at him in the eye. "I never liked being lied to. Sure, you didn't tell me who you were but yes, you're correct. It was all you. The movies, the books, the stories you tell. How can I not realize it even after we became friends? The thing that I am not happy about is your lack of faith in my capability to understand you, Jacobs. How can I trust you when you don't trust me too? I think... I think we should take a break."