Toxic Traits

Breathe

Breathe.

I've been telling myself to do that a lot lately.

They call me smiley at work because i'm always smiling. I never go anywhere without a smile on my face. I bring hurting people joy and comfort. I'm told that my smile changes people's day and makes them smile, makes them happy.

But I haven't been happy in months. I think it started off as a slow progression that I had taken notice of, but hadn't really paid any attention to. It started off with periodically crying whenever I became stressed out, to insecurity, anxiety, doubt, and then manifested into numbing the pain in order to make myself feel like everything was alright until I had hid my own emotions from myself for so long that they all came out at once.

But people call me smiley everyday.

But they don't know that i've been crying myself to sleep for weeks now, that i've sat in my car during the fragile mornings just before work at 5'o clock, yelling so loudly that only my soul could hear my anger and frustration, banging against the steering wheel trying to release all of the pain i've kept bottled up for so long.

To say it didn't help is an understatement.

So, i've been numbing myself to my feelings. I haven't been caring. I'm too tired to care. Too tired to try. To tired to even try to be happy. I'm just here. I've just been 'here' for months.

Breathe.

That's what I keep telling myself.

I try to convince myself that i'll get over this phase, but it doesn't seem to be happening. I've numbed myself for so long that when I try to speak life into myself I can only cry. When my pastor at church preached about how we should not numb ourselves any longer and just come back to God, I couldn't do it.

I haven't prayed in months. I attempted, thought it had helped but a moment later I was angry and on edge again. Every time people pray around me and try to speak life into me that God loves me, I just can't believe it. I want to be honest. I want to believe it, I know it's true, but my heart and my mind has just gone on so long not trusting him that it's hard. Everyday trying to convince myself that he loves me, just to get tired of trying to stay positive and saying whatever.

I know i'm not okay. I'm far from okay.

Breathe.

I don't know where to go from here. I've been becoming a horrible person over the last few months. Falling back into sin that I thought I was delivered from. I've wanted to cut off friends and ignore them and just sit alone in this bubble of isolation i've created for myself. I want to be okay, but i's hard.

Just Breathe.

I so desperately tell myself this. Take one day at a time. You won't become happy again in one night. You won't regain your strength again in one night when you've been tired for so long. You have to take it one day at a time and live this life out.

You can't give up. You can't quit. And you have to trust God. Even when you feel like he's so far away, and like he hates you and wants nothing to do with you, even when you feel like he created you to fail in life. It's not true, and you know that, but you have to start believing again.

You haven't worshiped in so long.

You haven't really smiled in so long.

You haven't been happy with yourself in so long.

You've been carrying around all of this anger, guilt, regret, condemnation, doubt, insecurity, jealously, hatred, and bitterness for SO long. That's NOT who you are and you know it.

Even though you don't know where to go from here you have to believe that God has not given up on you, despite you running away from him and giving up on him and doing stupid things that you know you should've never allowed into your life.

It's okay.

Just Breathe.

Even though you don't feel like it now you're going to make it out of this. You're going to be MORE than okay. It may take some time until you really start seeing and believing that, but you're going to make it. You have a BRIGHT future and you're going to make it, and you're going to be everything God has called you to be. So give him all of your ugliness, your months of avoiding him, and come home to him even if you feel broken beyond belief.

You've survived hell once with God by your side, and you can do it again. Only if you let him heal you of all this stuff you've been trying to hold onto. Let go of those suicidal thoughts and the thoughts that you're not going to make it in life. You are, and you already have. Remember that your father loves you so much and he is patiently waiting on you, so please run back to him. He's waiting, he hears you, and he loves you with his WHOLE heart. You're going to be MORE than okay, Daughter of God. You have NEVER stopped being his child, no matter HOW many times you find yourself doubting him. You ARE loved and you ARE his, so rest in him and let go.

Breathe, Daughter.

That's what I keep trying to tell you.

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Song at the top ^^ Fight For Me by GAWVI ft. Lecrae