Faryah

2.

I watched as tears rolled down her cheeks. " Khalid, I...I" she began, stammering. " I'm sorry" who would've thought that these three words were going to end me. I got up from my knee instantly and she followed suit. " Khalid I am so sorry. I am not prepared for marriage now" Normally, people would be calm to understand but I had anger issues and of course, I was getting very angry. I got angry really easily and yeah I was getting really pissed right now. Why wasn't she prepared for marriage, what does she mean?.

" Pamela we've been together for 5 years. We are very well compatible, what do you mean you are not ready?, You have a well paying job and so do I. What the fuck do you mean by you are not ready?" I was raising my voice at her and I truly didn’t care. I couldn’t control my emotions being all over the place.

" Khalid, I don't want to settle down and have kids now. I just want to live a free life, I don't want to be part of a family again for now. I am sorry Khalid but I can't settle down yet, my mind-set is not prepared to be a wife and a mother" She was crying. How could she play the victim here? She was the one hurting my darn feelings.

" What's hard in being a wife and a mother?. Why are you doing this to me Pamela?, why??" I needed to break something.

It always, always made me feel better.

" I'm sorry Khalid, hate me or anything but I am sorry. If us just being lovers isn't enough for you, it's best if we just break up" oh wow. How to end a perfect 5 year old relationship. She wasn't breaking up with me, I was definitely not going to allow it, she was the love of my life and even though she was hurting me now, I was not going to lose her.

" Khalid listen I'm sorry, I just have no plans of being part of a family again, you know my story Khalid, please try to understand, I can't do this Khalid, If it's marriage you want, I can't give that to you" Her words were like daggers being thrown towards my heart. How could she do this to me, we've had a perfect relationship for five years and here we were, throwing it all away. " Pamela, I am doing my best to control my anger right now, we've been together for five years Pamela and you want to throw them all away" I needed to be strong, she wasn't going to bring me to my knees again.

" I'm not throwing it all away Khalid, we can just forget that you proposed to me and act like nothing happened and move on with our relationship as just boy friend and girl friend" That title was for childish teenagers, we were adults, I was 27 and she was 25.

I needed space to think properly right now. I needed to talk to my grandfather.

"We'll talk another time Pamela" I groaned and walked past her out of the garden leaving her standing there all alone. She deserved that for now.

No wonder she didn’t like kids. I had always thought if she had kids, her attitude towards them was going to change.

I was not just going to give up on her, but I needed time to think about what I really wanted now.

What was going to best for us now.

My anger issue had just one root cause, my father.

I grew up detesting my father, he always maltreated my mother every night back then  and I couldn't do anything about it because I was so small and fragile. I was a weakling, I watched my father every night beat up my mother till her face and body were all bruised up. He gave birth to the issues I have with anger. I have always resulted to violence so as to not being called a weakling because of him. I swore to myself to never lay a finger on a woman and I swore to always treat my woman and children right. That's what I want to do with Pamela but here we are now.