Always In The Back [Hanahaki!HopeMin/JiHope]

Chapter 6 - Water and Flowers

[ Trigger Warning ]

[JIMIN'S POV]

That was the night i lost Hoseok once and for all.

Somewhere deep down, i knew, or well... thought that maybe, by some miracle, he would come back to me. I decided not to bother him, and when i did try to text him, i was baffled by the fact the message just wouldn't send. A simple greeting. So i tried calling him. That didn't work either.

I kind of knew what happened, i just couldn't accept it. The fact that maybe he blocked me. Blocked my number and probably even deleted it, deciding to leave me once and for all. Blocking me out of his life.

I couldn't believe my best friend of so many years could just abandon me so easily, after everything. And worst of the worst, i could never know if he still danced with her. If they submitted the video. If Hoseok had actually completely wiped out any memory he had of me so effortlessly, and accepted that our story would just end so suddenly and coldly.

It's been a year now. It's been a year since Hoseok talked to me, a year since i saw him, a year in which i hoped and hoped that he would come back. But he didn't. He just disappeared, he vanished, and i was all alone. I only fought because i thought he was coming back, but he never did. He forgot about me. He abandoned me.

The more i've been alone, the more i realized no one cares about me. How i have no friends, how even when i tried to make friends this year, i weirded them out, i'd act too awkward, too paranoid and they got annoyed with me and left. I spent most of my time at home, and the more time passed, i lost my appetite. I didn't feel the need to eat, so i lost some weight. But it feels like i'm fed up. I just don't feel hungry. When i do, when i think about eating, i feel like throwing up. If i eat, i'll spill it all back out.

It's probably because of the medicine. I can't sleep, my head hurts, my body hurts, i feel unmotivated and lifeless, so i take all sorts of pills, tons of them, trying to help myself. But it's pointless. Why am i trying to keep myself alive? What's the point?

What's the point? No friends, no family, it's just me, and every day is the same. Lonely and quiet, as i still check my phone or stare out the window, hoping to see Hobi-hyung again. But he's really gone now, i know it, and i finally accepted it. It's why i'm here. Why i'm thinking these things, why i'm currently sitting in the tub, hugged by the warm water, questioning what i'm still holding onto.

I used to hold onto hope, but now, that thing is gone too. I lost my passion for dancing, for singing, drawing, everything. All i ever want is to sit in the tub for ages and think about the most abnormal, random things, trying to take my time.

I'm waiting for nothing. I'm wasting space, i'm wasting time, doing nothing. It's like i'm waiting for something, for someone, to come and save me, to change something, but it won't happen. It just won't. And i know it won't. But i'm scared of taking my life. I'm too weak to do it, and so every day, i just suffer, and suffer pointlessly, to no end.

I don't know why i'm still sitting in this damn tub, thinking back on what i and Hoseok used to be, and how our story ended. Because even one year after he faded away into the rain, i never saw him again. And i don't know of him. He vanished. His life carried on, he's probably really happy and successful now... but i'm stuck here. And i'll never escape.

I miss life. I miss having people around me, i miss talking, i miss doing things with other people, i miss going places, i miss being relevant. I'm nothing now. It feels like everything was a mere dream, it feels like all my life i've been locked up in my home doing nothing but staring at the grey walls as the hours ticked by.

The memories are so vivid at this point that i really needed some pictures to remind me of those days. Pictures of me and Hoseok together, when we were little, and as we grew up. When we were little boys pretending to be superheroes, and then we grew into teens who woul go to school together and giggle about the weird teachers and classmates... The days before he slowly started abandoning me for others. I understand, he wanted something new, but he just completely left, step by step... I was always in the back, chasing...