Dear Celia

XV

Henry’s truck smelled of old leather and comfort. The backseats were filled with empty chip bags and random blankets, so I sat at the front with Celia.

She didn’t drive far, and in the span of three minutes we pulled up into an empty field covered in a thin layer of snow.

“C’mon,” Celia said and climbed out of the truck.

“What? Now?”  I quickly followed after her, wrapping my jacket closer around my body. “It’s like 40 degrees. What are we even doing here?”

Celia walked around the truck and hopped into the tailgate. “You want to stay in the car and die from carbon monoxide?”

“No, but - ”

“Lucas, come on,” Celia said. She beckoned with her hand to the empty space beside her.

I reluctantly climbed in beside her and tried to put as much distance between us as I possibly could. I found myself pressed up against the side, which was covered in mud and ice. “I’m cold already.”

“Shut up,” Celia said. She leaned onto her back. “Now look up.”

I followed suit, leaning back and lifting my head up. The night sky was a shade of dark indigo, and the moon glowed yellow with melancholy. But what entranced me the most were the little dots of light sprinkled across the blue.

Stars.

I took a breath. Celia heard and she laughed slowly. “They’re pretty, aren’t they?”

“Yeah.”

Someone had taken a handful of light and tossed them across this blanket of darkness, making everything glow. They made the colors look purple, and the moon’s glow felt protective and warm on my face. It was as if the sky had opened up into brightness, and each and every star was fighting for a chance to shine as they raced each other and scraped at the looming sky.

“It’s not something you can recreate with a picture,” Celia suddenly said. She turned her head to look at me. “Right?”

I felt her before I saw her, felt her body press against mine, and her lips on my neck.

I shook my head and sat up straight, nudging her away. “Stop,” I said. “Celia, stop.”

She did.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

Celia gave a nervous laugh. “What do you mean what am I doing? I’m kissing you Lucas.”

“Why?”

She paused for a moment, as if deciding the right words before she said, “Because that’s what we do, don’t we? That’s what couples do.”

Oh God.

I shook my head again and stuffed my trembling hands into my pockets. “We’re not a couple, Celia.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, and her face looked so sincere and her voice so delicate I wanted to gather her up.

No, no, no. You don’t want her. You don’t and you can’t. Stop it.

“Celia, please just tell me now why this is all happening.”

“Why what is all happening?”

“This!” My voice rose. “Whatever this is! The last time you spoke to me you told me you were leaving because you couldn’t stand seeing me hurt.” I looked at her accusingly. “You couldn’t stand me being hurt because you knew I was in love with you, but now you’re just acting like none of that happened, Celia.” I felt my voice shake. “Please tell me why you’re doing this.”