Straight To You

forty-three

"I have something to tell you," I murmur, squaring my shoulders in an attempt to appear less nervous than I am. Because, truth is, I'm terrified. I'm about to bare my soul to Jack Crawford, about to bring all of my guards down and lie vulnerable in front of him. I'm resting my heart in his hands once again, and only he has the power to keep it safe from harm or to break it. The choice is his, which puts me in a pretty unprotected position.

It's with all of this in mind that I take a deep breath before allowing my words to pour from my tongue the way a river streams to an ocean, unable to stop myself.

"I know now that the bet rumor was fake. Lacey came to my house a few nights ago and told me the truth about everything. She told me that she and Lucas framed you as a way to get revenge on me for dating you. And I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now, but I needed to tell you that I'm sorry, Jack. You tried telling me the truth, and I wouldn't listen. I trusted two people who were out to hurt me more than I trusted you, and that was stupid and beyond foolish of me. I'm sorry. Jack, I'm so sorry."

I only give myself a brief moment of pause to catch my breath, glancing up into Jack's eyes to see if I will be able to stand looking into them. Jack stands expressionlessly before me, though masses of emotion flicker in his green irises. I couldn't decipher what he's feeling even if I tried, and that may be the scariest thing of all. I've always been able to read Jack, always been able to tell what he's feeling and understand why he feels that way. Now it's like we've drifted too far apart for me to ever reach that point again.

"I hurt you," I draw on, voice trembling. "And I hurt myself in that process. I know I don't exactly deserve your forgiveness, but I hope maybe one day you can forgive me anyway. Because"—I don't realize there are tears welling in my eyes until I notice my vision beginning to blur, a sound somewhere between an inhale and a sob escaping me—"I've been through a lot, Jack, and you know that better than anyone else. I've lost a lot, but most notably I lost myself. And it wasn't until I met you that I was able to start putting myself back together again. I wasn't happy until I met you. You've helped me in so many ways, and you don't even know. When I lost you . . ." I trail off, shaking my head, unable to translate my feelings into words. I don't want to cry, don't want to say all that I'm feeling within, because I don't want Jack to know just how badly I need him, as there's still a chance that he might not want me anymore, after all that's happened. I continue with my rambling anyway, because I suppose I need to admit the truth to myself just as much as I need to say it to him.

"I pushed you away so many times because I was scared of letting people in, Jack.Because—ever since my mom passed—I've had this irrational fear that if I let someone in, it will only lead to pain when they inevitably choose to leave me. But no matter how many times I pushed you away, you were always there. You've always been there for me. And when it was time for me to return the favor, I let you down. Throughout the entire time we were together, I never told you how important you are to me."

I take a deep breath, forcing myself to meet Jack's overwhelmingly green eyes. He has yet to say a word, though I haven't given him much of a chance to say anything. And I don't intend to, not until I've said all I feel he needs to hear. Considering he hasn't up and left yet, I assume it's safe to say he won't go until I'm ready for him to.

"I don't know why the world kept pushing me toward you, Jack Crawford," I admit in a small voice, a shaky laugh escaping my lips. "All I know is that I used to hate that. I didn't want to let you in, didn't want to let anyone in, but I guess the world had other plans. And it took me a while to realize it, but everything I've had to go through in this life, all the pain and sadness I've had to bear . . . well, its led me straight to you. The world saw two people in pain, and I suppose it knew we needed each other before even we did. And I mean that, Jack. I need you in my life, because"—I hesitate for a brief moment before pursing my lips, blinking back the tears that I refuse to cry—"I love you. I love you, Jack Crawford. I am irrevocably in love with you, and you have no idea how scary that is for me to admit."