crumble | h.s

part twenty six

Growing up, I was never happy. I've never felt that warm, soft, buzzing sensation that the books I've read had described. And as I grew, I thought that I may never feel it at all. 

But that was the thing about Lydia White. The first time I've ever felt an ounce of that warm feeling was when I kissed her. It only lasted for a moment, and it was such a foreign feeling that I didn't understand at the time. 

But I began to find that, the more I was with her, the more this feeling grew. Every word she spoke, every conversation we had...it only got stronger. 

It wasn't until we kissed under the sunrise that I finally understood. 

This feeling that was upon me whenever I was with her...whenever she looked at me...or whenever she simply walked into a room...it was happiness. 

It was there, that morning under the pink sky, that I realized Lydia was the first thing in my life that could make me feel happy. 

And there was nothing...absolutely nothing...that could make me feel the way that she did. 

She had no idea of her impact on me and my heart. 

Everything this girl did had me captivated. I couldn't help it, and neither could she. 

I can't believe that I almost lost her. 

I don't know why she stayed...why she wanted to stay. I thought she would hate me forever. 

Because being hated was all I knew. It was what I grew up with. It's why I am the way that I am. Because I was unloved and shunned by everyone outside of my gang, I was shattered. 

I did, however, put my pieces back together. I rebuilt the broken puzzle of my demolished soul, and I had to do it myself. I had no other choice if I was going to lead a reckless gang. 

But the puzzle wasn't perfect. If you were too look at it from afar, it may just seem like a regular puzzle that maybe had something different about it... but as you get closer, you'd see it for what it really was. It had missing parts. It had broken edges. And because of these broken and lost parts...there was no way that it could be put back together properly. 

Innocence and any chance of love, happiness or compassion was ripped from my puzzle...from my soul. So I had to rebuild with what I had. 

See, if you live a broken life...you become broken yourself. It's inevitable. It's not something you can stop. 

I heard the subtle noise of Lydia turning a page. The book was layed open on the table top. She had her chin propped on her elbow which was also resting on the table. She twisted and played with the end of her braid in her other hand...still completely focused on the story unfolding on the paper in front of her. 

Lydia had also taught me about care. 

I've never felt care for anything except her. I wanted nothing more for her to just be okay. That's why it broke me when she bolted out the door less than 48 hours ago. 

She also told me she cared about me. She told me that I deserved to be cared for. I didn't believe her, but it still sounded nice when she said it. She said it as she held my hand in hers while the sun set. I remember not wanting that moment to be over. I remember being so...happy...when she crashed into my arms. 

So, as I sit here with her...I realize that there is a lot to learn from Lydia. There's also a lot to learn about Lydia. 

She's booksmart, and she loves to read. She gets pulled in by these stories that she reads and she loves every minute. We had that in common, the reading, I mean. Before the sunrise, reading was my escape. 

She also has such a big heart. It makes her decisions for her. 

She's a dork. But she owns it...she doesn't try to hide it. 

She deserves to be loved and cherished. She deserves someone who is going to make her happy...someone who is going to make her feel like she can unapologetically  be herself, because her true self is incredible. She deserves a person who will appreciate every part of her, body and soul. 

She deserved somebody who made her feel safe and secure. 

She deserved to feel at home with someone. 

In the short time I've known her, and after everything we've been through...Lydia White, somehow, lit up my dark world. 

Darkness was all around me, but with her, there was one fraction of light that contrasted with the blackness so much so that it seemed so unreal. 

But that's what Lydia was...unreal. Dreamlike. 

I've always felt a dull ache. 

It hurt to know that I'd always be so broken. I'd always be a broken person. 

Yet she stayed.

She saw through my battered puzzle, and instead saw the pieces that were once there. 

I've never met anybody like her. Somebody so beautifully complex and so genuine that it made her seem like an illusion. Before her, I never thought 'good' existed. I never thought that happiness, care, or love existed. 

But it did...and it was sitting right across from me, reading my favorite book. 

I felt myself smile as I watched this embodiment of everything I've ever wanted to feel right in front of me. 

No, love didn't come easily to me. 

But now, it was coming pretty damn close. 

- 

whew. 

okay so how do yall feel about the music addition? I was crying when I read this while listening to this song. idk bout you guys tho lol so let me know!

how are you guys enjoying 'crumble' so far? im having a great time writing it and i cant wait for the future!

vote and comment please!!! 

all my love <3