Faded

Chapter Five

WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts and actions. If this may cause a trigger for you, please don't read!! Otherwise, proceed at your own risk!!

|Tris|

After Christina left the apartment, I close the door and slid down to the floor, leaning my head on my knees. Overwhelmed with everything that have happened today.

I'm very glad that I got to see some of my friends and knowing that they are all alright. But it is still painful to see that  none of them recognizes me, but a relief too. If one day they ever found out about what I have done, would they forgive ever forgive me? Would Tobias? 

I shake my head at the thought, knowing that I had asked myself the question several times in the past. And I thought I had been forgiven, but apparently, the universe isn't that kind.

I turn my left hand palm up, and look down at the tattoo on the inside of my wrist.

I lied to Christina about the number of tattoos I have. Well, not exactly. I only showed her the ones that I got during my initiation. But I had gotten a new one, to forever remind myself of the one family member that had always been there for me, if not physically, then mentally. 

If you look closer at the tattoo, you can see the faint line of a scar underneath it. The scar of a cut.

I did it a few days after the destruction and escape of the illegal testing facility David was in charge of half a year ago. When the adrenaline and the prospect of freedom had worn off, when everything that has happened smacked me like a tidal wave, tormenting me with reminders in my dreams.

Amanda and I had also freed all the other "subjects" kept there, all of them Divergent. There are nine of them, excluding me. The youngest was twelfth, the oldest, eighteen. Amanda already has found new homes and families for most of them.

No, not all of them made it out. There was a boy named Noah. Fourteen years old. Shot in the head by one of the remaining guards, seconds before I put a bullet through the guard's chest.

I didn't know him too well, but he could have been Marlene's twin brother, if she had one.

I stumble into the kitchen, searching for anything that can bring relief to the nightmare of a life I have been living in.

I saw the guard pulled the trigger, Noah falling limp to the ground. Me, unable to do anything to help the young boy, who had a life of possibilities just a few minutes ahead of him.

I see a butter knife someone had left on the counter. I grab it and turn the blade in my hand, examining how the ceiling light reflects off the sharp edges.

I had never actually thought about cutting myself to relieve pain. The Abnegation thought of it as the worst of selfish acts.

Of course, I had experience with the concept of coping with mental pain by causing myself physical pain, and of having thoughts of self harm, even if I never considered bringing a blade to my wrist.

But Tobias have always been there for me when I'm walking down the dark path that will result in my own destruction. He had always been my light, always telling me that I was worth it. Always reminding me that he will be my family when all my other family members are all dead or traitors.

And now he's lost to me too.

I bring the knife down to my wrist, hissing in pain but I carry on until a line a blood appears.

Blood is a strange color. Darker than you expect it to be.

Amanda walks into the kitchen and she rushes to my side immediately, leading me to the bathroom and saying words and asking questions that I don't register.