I'm Sorry, Goodbye

Chapter Eight - Snow

It's like an addiction. Clawing at your mind and stopping you from thinking about anything else. Making you not have that oh so precious common sense. Whenever you even think about getting better and trying to improve, it just shuts it down and the cycle restarts.

I never thought that I'd get to the point where I even thought about trying to improve. But saying that, I used to think that if you thought about getting help then you'd get better. That's not correct.

And I know, because last night I thought that it would get better. For a second I felt hope and warmth. I thought that we could go back to normal. But I was wrong. Because sitting here on a cold hard chair, in a dull room with blinking lights surrounded by people who I don't even know anymore, it ain't the best.

The hope that I once thought is completely gone and I just want to go home. I crave to be in the dark with just myself, and my blades.

I'm brought back into reality from the talking of my fellow members. They're discussing with my "therapist" about what they should do to help me. While they're talking about useless crap I look around the room. God, this room brings back horrible memories. I can't believe that the members are so unaware of him.

But then again, why would they care? They probably know what is happening and don't care enough to stop it.

Taehyung placed a hand on my shoulder, making me sharply flinch. They look of sadness he gave me would normally make me feel bad about doing so, yet I just can't muster up the emotions.

"We're going to wait outside for your session to finish alright? We'll pick you up after". I give a simple nod, not looking forward to what comes next.

I stare into the eyes of my Master while the scraping of chairs fades away. The closing of the door doesn't even register in my mind. There is only silence between us, a deafening sound.

No words are spoken as he leads me onto the examination table, laying down is just natural now. My mind usually screams for help, begging for him to stop. Yet today, there is nothing. Just pitiless silence.

You would expect me to scream and cry. Wail away just waiting for someone to care and come to my rescue. But I know that won't happen. I know that if I so much as make a peep that it will be even worse.

I didn't even realise that my appointment was over until a harsh slap on my thigh wakes me up from my trance, my scars tingling from it. I sit up, keeping my composure. There's more blood than usual on the table today, maybe that's why I feel so lightheaded? My white shirt has blood stains on it as well as my fingers.

Oh well.

I say thank you Master as I leave the room, the members greeting me. They put their arms over my shoulders, hug me, touch me, do all these things that make my mind scream. I want to yell, tell them to get off me. Yet I don't.

Because if masters taught me anything, it's that I'm worthless and something to be played with.

<The Dorms>

As soon as we get home I immediately try to go to my room, yet I'm stopped by Jin.

"You need to socialise Jimin, come sit with us".

I'm forced to sit on the couch with them while they watch some stupid movie. Something about spiders, illusions, and some shitty romance. (If you get which movie this is then I larb you, also it hurt to call it shitty).

The members were laughing and having such an amazing time while I sat in misery. A soft tap on my shoulder took me out of my loathing.

Hey, Yoongi said to me. Wanna go on a walk?

I agreed, anything to get out of this.

We put on our shoes and headed out the door, Yoongi grabbing a coat for himself. We started walking towards the local park, the moonlight highlighting our walk. Yoongi's breaths came out white, mine probably did too.

"Aren't you cold" Yoongi asked me. The sudden noise startled me, taking me a second to register. Not really I replied, surprisingly causal. It was so much calmer with him, it felt...normal.

We had arrived at the park, sitting down on a stone gazebo. There were small patches of snow around the park, and snowflakes had started to fall softly. I only had a thin sweater on yet I found that I wasn't too cold.

We sat and admired the view. The bright moon shone bright, showing the snowflakes stuck onto Yoongi's eyelashes. I was getting covered in it, so I moved further back, putting my knees to my chest.

I'll be right back, Yoongi murmured into my ear. I nodded in acknowledgment, still staring at the snowflakes. It was memorising, just seeing something so beautiful disappear into piles of snow. Something that's walked on and used.

A sudden hit to my shin brought me back to reality, and I turned to see Yoongi holding two snowballs. A broken one by my feet. He was smiling his rare gummy smile and threw another one at me. I ducked, the ball missing me.

"Come on! Aren't you gonna hit back?". Yoongi shouted gleefully at me.

Is that a challenge, I replied. I started making some small snowballs while Yoongi kept pelting them at me. I threw mine at him, landing a few good shots. My laughter rang through the air as we battled it out. Us both smiling wide.

It was just us too, alone. Having fun.

After a bit I started to get tired, I guess not eating makes you a bit weaker. Yoongi didn't seem to notice though and kept at it. In a final attempt to keep the game on, I went to another pile of snow. In the process though I seemed to trip. The snowballs ceased.

Yoongi ran over to check if I was alright. I tried getting up yet stumbled, falling down again. Yoongi picked me up, carrying me over to the gazebo. In that moment I felt that spark of warmth that gave me that bit of hope. And while in the moment it felt breathtaking, I knew that it wouldn't last long.

A/N
Two chapters in one day? Wow I'm surprised. Thank you so much for the recent support, I really appreciate it.

I'd just like to shout out my friend itsjustKizu1 who is the best. She's encouraged me a lot on this story and I probably wouldn't of updated today if she hadn't of supported me.  Love you sis.