We Will Shine {Book 6 in the Star of Gryffindor Series}

Chapter 34 - Bad Memories

And I was sixteen, too, trapped in my own mind. Try as I might to wake up, the memories flew on, unrelenting. Haunting. Things the dementors didn't call up when I was twelve, but the darkness always flitting at the edges, my own personal dementor, did now.

I was being forced to write a letter to Astra, only praying she didn't believe me, still hated me enough to turn it in, at least see the message I'd left in it. A letter that would have literally doomed her, if she'd took it seriously.

I was with Magnus time and again, as he forced me into any room with a lock on the door and told me to shut up, be quiet, it would hurt less if I did what I was told.

I was being tortured, manipulated, hurt in ways I still didn't have words to describe. And I was hurting other people. Killing. Trying to spare myself pain by giving it to others. Basking in my family's short-lived praise as my guilty conscience choked me. I was becoming the person I was afraid of, and I was realizing my choices were to embrace this, or to die.

Or to run. I ran.

I sat in front of the wizengamot, what felt like the entire wizarding world, watched helplessly as they decided my fate. I was scared, but fear was starting to lose its sting. I was overwhelmingly apathetic. Scarily apathetic. Azkaban couldn't worse, I told myself. Azkaban couldn't be worse. It could, and I knew it, but I was so tired that I couldn't even be scared.

But I was again, as the world fell apart and spells fired all around, the Ministry's lobby became a bloody battleground. I was scared again because I'd just locked eyes with a blonde haired witch who looked like she wanted to destroy me. I was scared because I knew she could.

I was in two places at once, or a thousand. I was seeing everything play out in front of me, like a movie shot through my own eyes. I was also curled up in the dungeon, crying and cringing away from the rattling breath of the dementors only a few feet away. I was both twelve and sixteen, hiding from my worst memories. But they were finding me anyway.

"Hey, Wren, wake up," a voice cut through.

Someone was shaking me. I sat up straight, glancing around wildly. Was this real? I couldn't tell. I couldn't think. "Where are they?"

"Where are who?"

It was Astra. I stared at her, focused on her. It wasn't cold anymore. "Is... Is this real? Am I awake?"

She slowly nodded. "Yeah, this is real." She tilted her head. "Are you okay?"

Reality was seeping in. None of that had been real. Well, I suppose it had. Once. But it wasn't anymore. I took a deep breath, blinking. Looked around the dorm, so familiar and comforting in the moonlight. Slowly, I nodded, then shook my head. "I don't know."

Astra sat down on my bed. "Want to talk about it?"

"It's really not a big deal." I looked around the room. Everyone else seemed to be sleeping soundly. "You don't need to worry about me."

"Are you sure?"

No, I wasn't. I mean, it was a big deal. I knew that. I just didn't think I wanted to talk about it. It was too much. I just wanted to forget it all.

"I don't know," I whispered, shaking my head. "I don't know. I'm sorry."

"We can go downstairs, if you want," Astra suggested. "Find a distraction, maybe? Unless you'd rather go back to sleep." I shook my head quickly. The corner of Astra's mouth turned up in something like a smile, and she offered me her hand.

The common room was empty at nearly two in the morning on a Monday. I sank down into one of the couches, only briefly noticing that Astra hesitated and glanced back toward the stairs. My thoughts were racing, filled with everything I didn't want to think about. That was normal after a nightmare, of course, but I didn't want to wait the several hours it would take for them to quiet. I wanted to cry and fall asleep, honestly.