talk to me | rye + andy

Vierentwintig

Rye

"Last night was amazing." Nina smiles, curling up on my chest. It wasn't amazing, it was horrible. I have never felt gross after sex or regretted it, but right now I do. In the haze of the moment, with alcohol still streaming through my blood, it felt fine, good even. Sex is just such a powerful, overtaking things, You don't have to think during sex, you just have to feel. Feel your body against that of another and just take all of them in. Sex is supposed to be easy and happy thing, it shouldn't make me feel heavy and dirty. I only ever had sex with girls and it may not have been the special experience everyone has always described it as, but it has always been nice, so why now all of the sudden does it feel so bad? "We should do this again, soon." She smiles, she's tracing my chest with her finger, a content smile painted on her face.
"No." We are never doing this again, I am never feeling gross again. I refuse.
"What?" Nina questions.
"Get off me." I mutter, pushing her off me and sitting straight up, suddenly I can't breath and all I need is for her to get out. Thoughts of feeling wrong and dirty filling my head and making my skin crawl. "Get out."
Nina just stares at me, totally perplexed by my sudden and clearly unexpected reaction. I get it, the overwhelming feelings take me by surprise as well, but I really need her to get out. Having her in my bed feels wrong and my whole body screams at me because she's still here. It makes me feel sick. "Why? Did I do something wrong?" Nina sounds as if she's about to cry and I get it, she has every right to be upset. She did nothing wrong, I did, I am wrong. My whole body seems to be wired wrong, because one second things seem fine and the next it's chaos.
"Leave." I repeat, a dark tone in my voice, I am not sure where it's coming from, but it doesn't seem to scare her off. Not that it's my goal to scare her, I just need her to leave. If she doesn't get out of my bed fast I don't know what I'll do. Her being here, in my bed, naked, knowing I touched her, it just makes me sick. It's so overwhelming and confusing, I never feel like this.
"Rye, come on." She tries reaching out, but is swat her hand away, pushing her off my bed with a hard shove. When her body hits the floor a loud bang can be heard, why did I do that? I can't do anything but stare, I just can't move, I just shoved her of the bed. What if I hurt her? "What the hell, you're insane!" Nina cries, gathering her clothing from the ground as quickly as she possibly can.
"Just fuck off!" I scream, I am just fuming, I can't help it. I am suddenly so mad that she's not gone yet, she needs to get out cause I am losing my shit. It's like I no longer have control over my own body "Leave, you slag! Fucking leave." Yeah great lets go call her names when I am the one doing the wrong things, it's like my mouth has a life of its own as I continue yelling at her to get out.

As I am being extremely loud and obnoxious people in the house were bound to hear, which gets confirmed when my door swings open revealing Jack and Brooklyn, both looking insanely worried. "What the fuck is going on?" Jack question, both of them looking at Nina who's still gathering her stuff while hysterically sobbing on the floor.
"She needs to fucking leave." I yell, barely able to keep it all together, hell who am I kidding I've already lost it.
Jack's eyes flicker between Nina and me before he turns to Brooklyn, "Brook, will you please help this lovely lady, get her a cuppa?" Jack looks at his boyfriend expectantly, of course the blonde quickly agrees and helps Nina out of my room. He then turns to me, a stern look on his face as he closes the door. "Rye." He sighs and sits down on my bed. I look at his arms, tightly crossed in front of his chest, please tell me he's not going to yell at me, I can't handle that right now. When Jack sees me look his face softens and he opens arms, "Come here." I guess he knew what I wanted before I even really realized it, but I don't fight it, I fall into the hug and tears start rolling down my cheeks.
"I feel so gross." I tell him, "Absolutely disgusting. I need to shower, I am gross." But I don't move, my body just feels too heavy.
Jack shakes his head, "Let's talk and then you can shower." He offers and I silently agree. "What happened?" He asks, brushing his fingers through my hair, "You were screaming, seemed like you really hurt her, Rye." He seems so concerned and I feel bad, cause I caused that concern and I hurt her. I shoved her off my bed, what has gotten into me? That's fucking abuse.
"I just needed her to leave and she didn't." I tell him, my voice shaking and a couple of lost tears finding their way down my cheeks. This is the second time I've cried in front of Jack in forty-eight hours, I really need to get a grip.
"Why did she have to leave?" He questions, "You seemed to have no problem taking her home last night." He chuckles and I guess it did seem that way. I was all to reluctant to take her home though, I almost didn't do it and then I saw Andy making out with Blake and I decided to take her home anyways. I guess I slept with her because I was bitter and what I am feeling now is because I wished it was him the whole time.
"Regret it." I mumble, "Sleeping with her."
Jack nods and rubs my back, "How come?"
"Makes me feel gross." It does, it just makes my skin crawl thinking about what I did with her last night, when she was not the person I wanted there. I used to wish I weren't gay, but right now I just wish I weren't crushing on Andy Fowler, things may not have been great before, but at least they were easier.
"So you regret sleeping with her cause it makes you feel gross, so needed her to leave but she didn't leave quickly enough so you decided to just throw her off your bed?" Jack questions, a frown prominent on his face. He must think I am a horrible person.
"Please don't be mad at me." My voice cracks half way though the sentence and if Jack is mad at me I don't know if I can handle that right now.
Jack sakes his head, "I am not mad, I am worried." At least he's not disappointed. "You've always been a bit distant, but recently you've been acting really weird."
"I know, been kinda losing it, haven't I?" I let out an ironic laugh, I think I might've reached rock bottom and I have no idea how to get back up. "Just been going crazy in the head."
Jack is about to say something when Brooklyn carefully opens the door, he's holding a tray with cuppa's and slices of pizza, "I made us cuppas and ordered us some Maccies." He smiles and sits down on my bed, "Nina is okay, she was more shocked than hurt, she promises not to tell anyone what happened. She's now at Mikey's."
Jack nods and kisses his boyfriend on the cheek, "Thanks, love." Brooklyn looks between the both of us expectedly, "Rye's been going through it." Jack simply says.
"I am here for you, bro." Brooklyn smiles at me and plants a kiss on my forehead, "Have you seen the recent series of Ackley Bridge?" I shake my head, I have watched the first two because Harvey watched them, but he recently admitted to watching the third with Mikey so I just never got around to it. "Well strap in cause you're about to." He grins and hands me a mug and an egg mcmuffin, before walking over to my tv, connection his phone to it.

If you were to tell me even two weeks ago that the safest I'd feel in months was squished between my stepbrother and his boyfriend, eating Maccies breakfast and watching a Ackley Bridge I'd have laughed in your face, but it the truth. Jack just seems to understand and Brooklyn is just such a cuddle bear, it's warm and safe. I know some day soon Jack will force me to talk, but at least this time I got away cause Brooklyn interrupted.

"Andy just asked if we could hangout." Jack mumbles, it's now about one pm and we've watched two episodes, there's only six left but there's already a lot of drama happening.
Brooklyn shrugs, "Tell him we're busy." and cuddles into my side some more.
Jack laughs, "He'll think we're shagging." but sends the text anyways. The mention of Andy's name makes me choke up, he's the reason I am in this state. I mean not the complete reason as I am just pretty darn emotionally unstable overall, but he's been quite the trigger lately. Stupid fucking crush.
"Are you okay?" Jack questions, putting his phone away.
"Rye?" Brooklyn pipes up, resting a hand on my shoulder.
I shake my head and offer them a weak fake smile, "Not really." I sigh, god I might as well spit it out. My usual tactic of drinking and fucking my feelings away clearly isn't working anymore and they would never judge me.
"Rye? What's wrong?" Jack question.
And when I don't answer Brooklyn repeats, "Rye?"
I decide not to look at either of them, but at the wall instead, my breath gets stuck in the back of my throat every time I try to get it out, "I- I am- Sorry." I sniff and wipe the tears once again forming in my eyes away, "I am gay." Silence.

This one is a bit all over the place isnt it? Please tell me if its absolute shite so i can rewrite it cause rn i just cant seem to get things out the way i want them too

Anyways ive just finished ackley bridge and i am fucking broken, what am i meant to do with only Cory left? And why cant they just let Cory be happy? I was also fucking robbed from Corveed/Nory damnit. If ya havent watched Ackley you totally should

I am getting maccies tomorrow and i am fkn happy about that cause i am on my period and craving that shit

Cheers,
B :)x