Carnation ¦ KTH [On Going]

2 - Purple Heart

•21 February 2020 - Italy•

Sissi's POV

7 is out.

Map of the soul: 7.

The awareness bides in my mind while I sip on my coffee, sitting in the kitchen.

Outside the window, the winter light is cold. The sun is too far away to properly reach earth, at least this time of year.

«Getting the winter blues», they say. A winter time restricted phenomenon due to the lack of sunlight compared to summer.

I never fully understood what it meant. I like winter. I enjoy the coziness we strive for during this season, the snow, the blanketed mountains, the smell of burning wood. The birthdays... hot cocoa...

But this winter I think I get it... the winter blues, the seasonal depression. I get it, but... my mood swings are not only meteorological.

I place the coffee down next to the toasted slice of bread which I bring it to my mouth, and the aroma is okay. I bite into it. It's crunchy, it's good, it's bread. How can it be bad? But it lacks other flavours. I sigh... What I would do for some banana and peanut butter on it!

That's a combo I always loved, I mean... I still love it but... my stomach clench in disapproval.

Stop thinking about it! It's only toasted bread, nothing more! I need to convince my brain.

I lean forward to smell the aroma of coffee. My one and only dose allowed for the day, unfortunately. And it calms the nauseous clenching a little.

I breathe slowly. Feeling better, I finish breakfast.
Then I wash my dishes. There's not much of them because there's only that much food I can stomach. It's usually bread or rice, some vegetables and white beans. Hard cheese every now and then.

Winter depression and nausea. It's awful.

My phone chimes. A text.

[Mamma:
Ciao, come ti senti questa mattina?]

It's a rather simple question although it calls for a rather complex answer. Hungry, but not. Tired. Moody. Sad. Guilty. Emotional.

Instead, I message her I'm okay.

She is worried, understandably. Five months ago she saw me leaving for Korea with excitement pouring from everywhere, whereas one month ago she got back a shell of polite smiles ready to crack, and a big change in plans.

I don't want to make her worry. I, myself, know I need to get it together. I had a choice, I made it. Now I need to live with it.

I sit on the couch and open YouTube like every morning to check on my subscriptions.

My feed is flooded by news of the new album. I skim over it.

Until a few words hit.

•
•mid October 2019•
•
"Inner child", I read aloud.

Taehyung startles. I took him by surprise by walking as softly as possible. At first I was being considerate, seeing him so focused I didn't want to interrupt his workflow. Then I became curious about what required him to work so intently at home. He usually worked at the Company so that, when at home, he could spend time with me or by himself to relax and rest.

He took off his headphones, leaving them hanging around his neck.

I smile at his reaction and then gingerly ask, eyes back at the screen, "what are you doing?"