Can't Run From You

Chapter 20

I stayed at Molly's for a good three hours, talking, breaking down, debating and trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. After everything that happened I decided to stick it out with Will. It may hurt and it may not be what I want but it's what has to happen. I need to talk to Eli but I don't know if I can do it. I've been ignoring her calls and texts all day.

A days later and its Monday morning. I haven't talked to Eli since our date Friday. As amazing as it was I can't be this. I can't have her. As I walked to my fourth period, a class I have with Eli, I felt so anxious. I walked into the class and walked straight to my desk and put my head down. I heard Eli walk in and sit down in front of me. I picked my head up very slowly and looked at her. She was staring at me right in the eyes. As I looked into them they looked gray. There was something in them. I couldn't place what it was but I knew exactly how it felt. I slowly sat up and faced her. I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell her. I got up and walked out of class. I went to the library and sat there. I couldn't do it.

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A couple minutes after the bell rang I got a text from Will. He was asking where I was, so I told him. After the final bell rang I saw Will walk in through the doors. He gave the librarians a note saying he could be in here and walked over to me. I felt empty, hollow, terrible.

"Hey are you okay? Why weren't you in class?" he asked sitting down in the seat across from me.

"No not really." I mumbled. He just scooted the chair in closer to me.

"What's going on?"

"I've just been stressing. Overthinking. You know how I get." I didn't look him in the eyes. If I did his blue eyes would break me.

"Is it because of me? Because of what we did?" At this I looked right at him.

"What? No, it wasn't about that."

"Are you sure? Because you haven't been okay since that day. I know you haven't." He was looking at me with puppy dog eyes.

"I'm sorry. I just don't think I was ready yet." I said. Which was true. I wasn't ready to have sex, at least not with him. I couldn't tell him about Eli. It would destroy him, he'd never talk to me again.

"I'm sorry I pushed it on you. That wasn't right." Now I felt really bad.

"Will it's not your fault. I said yes. You didn't push me to do anything. Don't feel like this is your fault." I put my hand on his cheek and just looked into his eyes.

"Still, I'm sorry. We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. I just want you to be happy." There it was again. That word. Happy. The only person that makes me happy, is the one person I can't be with.

"Thank you Will." I said.

"I love you."

"I love you too." We ended up staying in the library for the rest of that class. We just talked about track and baseball and other things.

When I got on the track later that day I saw Molly and Lucy sitting on the track stretching. I didn't want to talk to them. I didn't want to talk to anyone, so I just ran my warm up lap super slow. When I got done I saw Lila on the ground stretching. She gave me a look but I just turned around and did my own stretching. I didn't see Eli, she wasn't here yet. When I heard Clark start walking up I saw Eli walking in behind her. As she got closer she walked right by me, looked me in the eyes with her still gray ones and took off for her warm up lap. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I felt a hand on my shoulder so I turned around. It was Molly.

"You have to talk to her." She said. I just nodded and looked at my feet.

Clark was actually being somewhat reasonable today. All she made us do was a 400 a 300, two 200s and two 100's. It wasn't bad at all. When we were done with that she had Eli and I start getting our marks down for long jump. Once that was done we were just working on our form and seeing how far we could jump. At about 6 o'clock Clark called us to her and said

"Okay ladies that's going to be it for today, but before you leave I want you guys to go into the field house and do an ice bath. I already told the trainer to set them up for you. I don't want you guys too sore for Wednesday." I felt my heart sink. Eli didn't look at me, she just walked to the gate to get her bag and started going to the field house.

When I walked into the ice bath room I saw Eli talking to the trainer. When they saw me the trainer looked at me and said

"Okay well I have to go help one of the boys with his ankle, he rolled it during practice so I'll be back when you're done. Towels are on the table." There were two tubs in the room filled with water and ice floating around in them. I set my stuff on the table and grabbed the towel and put it on the little table things next to the tubs. Eli was already undressing. She took off her shoes and socks then her shirt so she was just in her bra and spandex. I watched as she got into the tub, she didn't even flinch. I took off my shirt, shoes and socks and got into the tub adjacent to hers. As soon as I got in the cold hit me like a brick wall. It took me forever to adjust to the water, and even when I did start to adjust my toes still hurt. I could see my skin turning red from the cold.

"So, are we going to talk about it?" Eli asked staring at the end of her tub. I couldn't say anything. I could already feel the lump forming in my throat. This inevitable conversation hurt more than the water. I heard some splashing, when I looked up I saw Eli climbing out of her tub and into mine. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't even feel the cold anymore.

"Thea?" her voice was pleading with me. She picked up my chin to look at her. When I looked her in the eyes I felt the tear fall down my face.

"I'm sorry." It was all I could say.

"Thea talk to me." I could hear the hurting in her voice. It killed me. How could this have happened. How could I feel so much for her in such a short time?

"We can't do this." I mumbled. By now I had tears falling down my face.

"Can't do what?" I knew she knew what I was talking about, but she was going to make me say it. She was going to make me.

"We can't be together. We can't mess around. You can't be mine." I cried. I felt her legs move closer to mine.

"Why not?" She was making me say all the things I didn't want to.

"Because I'm with Will. I have a boyfriend."

"You don't love him." She said it slowly and steadily. All the words came out evenly even though I know this was hurting her.

"I can't make this choice." The water was still freezing, and my toes were still hurting, but I couldn't feel it. This conversation hurt more than anything I've ever felt before.

"Yes, you can. You can choose me." I looked into her eyes. They were hurting, but there was just a tiny bit of hope in them. Before I could say anything, I felt her put her lips on mine. I felt the tears falling down my cheeks. I pulled back and shook my head.

"No Eli. I can't. I can't do this. I'm not gay." Hearing myself say this made me want to physically flinch.

"What does it matter. You want me, and I want you. I want you." I just shook my head.

"I can't have you." I whispered. I saw one single tear run down Eli's cheek. She just wiped it off and got out of the tub. She grabbed her clothes and her bag and walked to the door, she hesitated for a second. I wanted more than anything in the world for her to turn around, but she didn't. She kept walking. I could feel the cold now. I could feel it taking over my body. It hurt and it stung and it made my body ache, but I sat there enduring the cold. Nothing has ever hurt this way before.