Masked//Roman Reigns Love Story

36. A Letter to Myself

Wednesday, January 1, 2014
12:00a.m.

This is a letter to myself.

Dear, Maria

I've spent the past couple of hours talking with Jon and getting to know him for who he is. He's great, and I'm honestly so grateful for him stopping by tonight. I needed him to be here tonight and I think he knew that, too. I've learned more from him in a handful of hours than I ever did in my ten plus years of school. Now that he's gone, I need to start changing some things and really focusing on what I want for myself. There's so much to be done, but right now I think I'll focus on accountability. The people around me have let me get away with too much, but it's not their job to hold me accountable. I need to do that much for myself. 

When I was just a kid, my mom became an alcoholic. With my older brother and sister out of the way most of the time, I became the punching bag. Every day after work, she would come home drunk and beat me with the item of the day. On Monday, it was a broom. Tuesday was a textbook, Wednesday was the belt. As bad as it was, her beating me was the only thing I felt like I could depend on. How she treated me made me a very angry girl. I fought in school a lot because sometimes I just wanted to hurt people the same way I was hurt. I wanted someone to really feel my pain. 

My sister was killed by my drunk driving mother. Althought it hurts to lose blood, I don't remember much of her anymore. I don't remember her voice and sometimes even her face is a blur. I was too young to keep any memories that were worth saving. The pain I felt from that day is the only thing that reminds me how real it all was. I don't think about her as much as I feel like I should, but I figureed not thinking about it would make it go away.

Damian was a boyfriend of sorts. He was a stupid crush and I was too young to see all the red flags before it was too late. I held him in such high regard but I just just a footnote in his book. He never loved me, it's hard to believe he even actually liked me. I was just a possession for him, something to display to the outside world. I was an obstacle for him to overcome. I let him take my voice, my pride, my virginity, my ability to think on my own. He consumed me in all the wrong ways and I'm still paying the price for it while he got off scotch free. 

I have to move on from that though. It's been nearly a decade since he took advanatage of my body and showed me who he really was. As much as I have let it in the past, I cannot keep allowing this to break me anymore. He will only cripple me if I let him. I am more than him, I've always been more than him. I tried to be good for him, and so it's shame on him for treating me the way he did. It's not my fault that his heart is sick, but it is my fault that I let him deminish my worth. I am beautiful and I am strong, I need to start telling myself that more often and maybe one day I can really believe it. 

Noah was the first crush I had after Damian and it really came out of nowhere. He moved to Philly from New York and his hypnotizing hazel eyes had me swooning. He was sweet, generous, loving and wouldn't hurt a fly. But when Noah had to move in with my grandma and I, I guess we silently agreed to keep things platonic. Our bond cracked when he started abusing drugs and it was clear that we were running on two different tracks. When I first met him, I never imagined that I'd damn near hate him. Cops are uneasy that he's the one that attacked me on my birthday, but it makes too much sense. Why fight me if he wasn't guilty? Why suddenly go missing if he had nothing to run from?

Aj came to be a constant in my life after I got away from my mom. She was my backbone and a safe space whenever I needed her to be. We were family without the similar DNA. We depended on each other when we felt like there was no one else we could trust with our secrets and feelings. I held her hand when she cried and she wiped my tears when I couldn't hold them back anymore. We motivated each other, we supported each other, and we were always meant to have each other's backs. But where did it all go wrong? Why was she out to get me so bad? How long had she been plotting to pull the carpet out from under me? I lost my best friend and shit is hard without her. She makes it easy for me not to trust anyone ever again. She makes it easy for me to want to cut everyone out for good. 

Joseph is the purest love I've ever experienced. I'm not okay with how I treated him and he has every right to hate me. I ruined something that could've been so good for me because I was too scared to be real. Joe has never been perfect and he knows that, but I never held that against him. So why would I think he'd be disgusted at my lack of perfection? He sees the beauty in everyone, he's a glass half full kind of guy. I robbed him of another daughter and I robbed my daughter of a father. I can never fix that or take it back as much as I want to every single day. I cheated him of the truth, and for what? Everything that I went through to keep up this fake image just wore away at us. I knew it was wrong a long time ago, but I couldn't even face the truth myself, let alone give the truth to someone else. It was wrong to try and love him when I can't even love myself. 

Giana was my daughter. I gave birth to her when I was only twenty years old. She's the worst secret I've ever kept and now I want to scream about her from the rooftops. Giania is the best thing I've ever created and I don't know if I can top her. Her breathless chuckles made me forget about the pressure of tomorrow. Her smile was infectious and damn those eyes, they were better than a dream. I don't talk about her much, but I never, ever go a day without thinking about her and all that she could have been. I just wish I could bring her back, that she had never left. I will love her until the day I die, and that's the fucking truth. 

I'm actually a wreck. I'm not fine, and I have to learn to be okay with that. My face hurts from trying to keep everything together. If I'm ever going to get better, I have to let go of everything. I'm done carrying it alone. I'm making a change, and it isn't going to be easy. I'm not going to sit here and make promises that I can't keep, but I'm going to try and hold myself accountable through it all. I'm going to be more real. I'm going to live with a bit more love. I'm just done playing dress up because I've been doing it for all the wrong reasons. Here's to one day at a time, happy new year.