Another Michael

Chapter 18

Since such truths were spoken, I went back by his side and decided to be just as open as he was.

'I'm afraid too', I told him.

'Of me?'

'Not exactly. Of the whole situation. Of not knowing what's going on with you, of not knowing where you are or if something happened to you or if you're ever coming back. Of not understanding your reactions to things.'

He said nothing and lowered his eyes. I continued.

'This is not going to work unless we can be honest with each other.'

'But I was honest with you!'

'You were partly honest. But there was a lot left unsaid and that is very close to dishonesty as well.'

'It's not, it's just very difficult to talk about!'

'I know it is. And it doesn't matter what we call it; it's going to ruin our relationship anyway.'

'I don't want that...' he said it and he meant it, but he wasn't ready to do it differently.

'I don't want that either. So do you want to at least try and do this differently?'

'See? That's the problem. That's what scares me about you. That I don't want to do it differently, because it's so painful for me. But with you... it's weird, because I feel like telling you stuff just as much as I want to keep them for myself.'

'That's a good start' I smiled.

'It's tearing me up inside...'

'I know... and it's heartbreaking for me to see you go through it. But I promise it will be liberating. Besides, how well has it worked for you before, with your old method?'

'Not very well', he said pensively.

'So tell me what you've been doing for the past six weeks.'

'OK... ok, I'll tell you.'

He looked around for a bit as if trying to find his words, but actually trying to break the emotional barrier that kept them from coming out. He was also massaging his neck, where the words were probably painfully stuck. I knew, I've been in that place before myself.

'I did what I told you I did...' he started and stopped touching his neck again.

'And also...?'

'And also I cried a lot. And I didn't sleep. Some nights I didn't sleep at all and some I slept for 2 or 3 hours with the help of pills. I had all these scenarios in my head about you and about me and about how things could work out and also how everything would be going up in flames.'

Once he started, the words that he had been blocking for so long were coming out of him in rapid bursts, like birds trapped in a cage for too long. He was racing, trying to get to a virtual finish line before he ran out of courage.

'I was scared, I was so scared and I still am. And I think I'll always be scared and I'll always be alone. And no woman will ever accept me for who I really am because it's just so difficult to be with me and I get that, I'm not an idiot. And that hasn't been a problem in a long time, because I've given up, I haven't loved anybody for so long, but now there's you and I just don't want to ruin it again, but I know I can't be a regular guy and I need to be the way I am, I just need to! But I need you too, I need you so much. I've had my hand on my phone so many times to call you but then I didn't, because I didn't know what to say. Mona... I have my work and I love my work and I know god put me on this earth to do this for others. It's a sacred mission and it has to come first in my life. I am willing to give myself up for it and I have. I've done that my whole life. I gave up being on stage because that life was killing me and I needed to stay alive so I can carry on god's work of love. Understand me, please understand me, this is my life, there is just no other way I can go about it. This is not about me; there is a higher plan that I need to fulfill and that comes first, no matter what, that will come first! Please please please understand, there is no other way!!!'

He was on his knees and his eyes were begging me.

'I love you, Michael' I said simply.

'You do? You really do? You love me after all this?!' he couldn't believe his ears.

'Yes. Actually, I love you more.'

'I love you most' his voice trembled. 'MOST!' he repeated ardently.

I smiled and enveloped him in the loving light in my eyes.

'You look terrible, Michael.' I said on a more humorous tone.

'You look wonderful!' he gushed, unmoved by my remark.

'Stop it, I haven't been sleeping much either... Still more than you, but it's taken its toll.'

'Wouldn't it be so great if we could both sleep?' he asked hopelessly.

'I think I can sleep. Wanna give it a try?'

'It's 7 PM!'

'Sounds like the perfect time for an afternoon nap.'

'Wow, a nap! Haven't done that in like... forever!'

'Let's do it! It will be our little adventure!' I laughed.

And we did. We went to bed and laid down next to each other and slept. A dreamless sleep, enveloping us from the center of the earth. Dark and comforting like each other's arms. Deep, unchallenged, uncompromising sleep. And nothing else.

When we woke up, it was the next morning and the first time I opened my eyes to daylight in that house. It was a different feeling. We stretched and yawned and smiled and everything seemed perfect.

'Michael' I radiated towards him.

'Yes, my love?' he said and kissed the tip of my nose.

I melted.

'Awww... I need to go home.'

'Again?'

'What do you mean again? Last time I left was six weeks ago.'

'Yes, but I didn't like it that time either. And bad things happen when you leave.'

'Those bad things are caused by you.'

'Maybe...' he frowned.

'I need to go home and think.'

'That sounds wrong' he mused. 'Think about what?'

'About this whole new thing in my life.'

'Thing?? You mean me?'

I laughed.

'I mean our... relationship. I need to see how I position myself towards it and how I feel about it and everything.'

'How you feel about it? You love me, don't you?'

'I really do love you. But I really love myself as well. And that's why I need to do some serious thinking. Give me some time, ok? I promise it won't take me six weeks' I teased him. 'Just don't call me in the meantime unless there's an emergency. I need my mind clear.'

'I really don't like the sound of that. It's scary.'

'It is to me too.'

'But ok, I get it. I understand you, just like you understood me.'

'And I love you for it.'

'I love you too, baby. Umm... there's just one more thing before you leave...' he said coyly.

'Oh, what is it?' I asked innocently, already guessing what it could be, but wanting to hear it from his mouth.

'It's...umm... just that...' he couldn't find the proper way to word it.

'Just that what?'

'Just that...'

He was dragging his words and walking towards me one step at a time. When he finally reached me he took my hand in slow motion and placed it on the bulge in his pajama bottoms.

'Oh, wow' I said with a smile, 'when did this happen?'

'When you were getting dressed...' he whispered and looked down.

'Good reaction, I like it' I grinned. 'Want me to take care of that for you?' I asked stroking him.

'Oh, baby, you already are' he moaned and with slow unhurried gestures started to take off the clothes that I'd just put on.