In the Language of the Flowers

| 18 |

"Why would I be lying to myself?" I asked, surrendering to her wisdom.

"The classic reason, most likely. There's something you don't want to admit, something that you can't change but you wish you could. So you pretend that it doesn't exist so that you can cope."

"But I don't know what it is that I'm pretending doesn't exist," I said absently. "I'm an asshole, but I've never lied to myself about Beau."

"Beau?" Sallie asked, her eyebrows shooting up.

"Oh."

"What about Beau?"

I sighed and slung an arm over my face. "Nothing."

"Something," she said, prying my arm away and looking me in the eye. "Laser eyes," she said.

I sighed, looking away. "Not about this, Sallie."

"If not about this, what do I get to I use them for?" she asked.

Laser eyes. Sallie's superpower, but also a promise between us. When we were younger, I joked about how Sallie's green eyes were like lasers and that they could make me do anything. The promise was that if she decided to really use them, it would be for a good reason. I'd have to fess up. Of course, it went the other way around, too. If I invoked laser eyes, even without the eye color to match it, she'd have to be honest with me, in return. A promise.

"I've been looking at him," I practically whispered. I couldn't resist the power of the laser eyes.

"You're an artist, Ren," Sallie deadpanned.

"No, not like that," I said. I felt a level of guilt equal to that I'd experience immediately after kicking a puppy.

"Ren," Sallie scolded. Her face fell.

"I know," I said. I felt my heart recoil at her judgement, shriveling up and hiding behind my other organs. I'd been hoping she'd remain neutral, but it was unfair of me to ask that. I was a brute, and I knew it.

"Since when?" she asked.

"A long time," I replied. "A long time. And I keep trying to stop it. I hooked up with Liam because of it."

"Ren, that was so not a good idea! I'm always telling you he's serial killer material. Liam's crazy!" Sallie shouted.

"I know that, but what was I supposed to do?"

"Find literally anyone else!"

"I can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't like Liam, and it's easier that way."

Sallie scowled. "Literally anyone else, Ren."

"I don't want anyone else."

"You don't want Liam?"

"No. I don't care much about Liam."

"So you had sex with Liam because you don't like him, and it's easier to have sex with someone you don't like because you want to have sex with Beau...but you don't want to have sex with him? Because you like him?"

"What even..." I groaned. "I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to take advantage of him or lead him astray. I'm not great with morality, Sallie."

"I know that better than anybody," she said quietly.

"Then you get why I can't bring him into this," I said. "I'm worried about him. I'm worried about him even when there's no reason to be worried about him. And I'm selfish with him. Even when you two are hanging out, a little piece of me is frustrated because I just want him to spend time with me. It's toxic, and I can't stand that I have so little control of it."